A Very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over to her. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard,

"Are you the Manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no ..." the bartender replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks, "I need to speak with him," she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck them.

"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a finger.

"Tell Him," She Whispers, "There is No Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, OR Hand Soap In The Ladies Room"...

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

THREE BEARS

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is
just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating
my
porridge?!?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?"
he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?"---
"It was Mama Bear, who got up first,"
"It was Mama Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Mama Bear who made the coffee,"
"It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put everything away."
"It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper."'
"It was Mama Bear who set the table"
"It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water and food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to drag your behinds downstairs and
grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence... Listen good,
'cause
I'm only going to say this one more time ... ... ...

"I haven't made the #@$%^&*###@!!!! porridge yet!!"

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

Good one, Sprinkles

anyway,


A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment. "What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child,"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

This is really tacky.

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for
the Holland Tunnel.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its
sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and
the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry,
no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled
in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The
man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You
were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's
not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok

A Woman married and had 13 children. Her husband
died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time
had 5 more children. At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the
Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman
who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're
finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

****WARNING - The Following Is A Blonde Joke It It Posted In Humor And Not To Offend Any Of the Female Readers****

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store
on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" "YES!", said the blonde,
"I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to
the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

__________________
There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

I hope this joke can cross borders but I sure found it funny!

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cellphone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON,....... but driving in TORONTO

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

8. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mittscraper in hand out front window scrapng frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:RED DEER

10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

12. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

__________________
"I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults".
~ Gore Vidal

Q: What is the difference between OOOOO and AAAAaa?
A: About 3 inches.. :whiteghos

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

>
> > A husband and wife were fine dining at their
> exclusive country club when this stunning young
> woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
> kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
> >
> > His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
> >
> > "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> >
> > "Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
> "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to
> hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I
> can find and make your life miserable."
> >
> > "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
> remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
> wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more
> summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the
> garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to
> sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
> homes, but the decision is yours."
> >
> > Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
> with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> >
> > "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
> >
> > "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> >
> > "Ours is prettier," she replies.
~~

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $4 a minute.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a dove is the bird of peace, is a swallow the bird of love?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while wewere making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best timeto do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Stage 1
- SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.




Stage 2
- GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.



Stage 3
- RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.



Stage 4
- BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!



Stage 5
- INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.