A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years
of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes
up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man
will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and
squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any
meat at it!"

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

The Contest!!!!!!
This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows
and
horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the
local
farmer's market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few
items
that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she
came
across a contest form while she was in the store. It was from the
Carnation
Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words
or less.
The Company furnished the first line of the jingle with these
words, "I like
Carnation best of all......." and it was about those little cans of
milk
found on grocery store shelves.

So she completed their jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk
Company.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a man from
Carnation
Milk came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one
submitted. However it was unfortunate the company could not publish
it. In
lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth
at least
a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the
amount of
$1000 for creativity. Here is her entry:

"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
JUST PUNCH A HOLE IN THE SON OF A BITCH."

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin
*******************
My Stories:
Dream Date
Just Desserts
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 1
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 2
Internet Lovers Meet - Part 3
RAVISHED!!
My Birthday - A Fantasy

Martha and Jean, two widows, are talking:

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you
went out with him last week, and wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."

Jean: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes
me out for dinner . . . a marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show
. . . let me tell you Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his
way with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Jean: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

__________________
Do any of you girls like cowboys?



I'm at work and the firewall won't let me chat, Sigh...PM's and e-mail ok

Better copulate than never.

__________________
If every material thing is gone, my smile and my tears stay left.

KNOW YOUR TREES

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

A man calls in sick at work.

His boss goes ballistic because this is the eighth time he's called

in sick in four weeks.

"If this guy isn't almost on his death-bed, his ass is grass!" he

growled as he picked up his extension.

"OK, just how sick are you?"

The small voice at the other end of the phone said,
















"Well, I'm in bed with my sister....."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

For the Irish contingent:

GUINNESS STOUT

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

__________________
"You can't test courage cautiously." --- Annie Dillard

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS
* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* There is always one more son-of-a-b---- than you counted on.
* There is absolutely NO substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.
* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
* This is probably as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
* If you think that there’s good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.
* All other things equal, fat people use more soap.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

__________________
"You can't test courage cautiously." --- Annie Dillard

Why did the Chicken cross the road?
(Hypothetical answers from various famous people)
(author unknown)

Ralph Nader
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Bill Gates
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.

Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Regan
What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Sigmund Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Senator Lieberman
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face?
The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it -- the 'other side.'
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's plain and simple as that.

Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by 'chicken?'
Could you define "chicken" please?

Louis Farrakhan
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the 'black man' in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And lo, the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

__________________
"You can't test courage cautiously." --- Annie Dillard

The princess of a far-away kingdom was getting old enough to marry. Her father, the king decided to hold a contest to see which of three neighboring princes would be chosen to marry her. On her 17th birthday he invited the 3 royal families to the birthday ball. After the dining, and dancing were pretty much over, he stood and made the announcement.

"As you all know My Daughter is to be wed. To fairly choose the best husband for her, I give each of you 3 princes this challange: Whosoever collects the most ping-pong balls by midnight of my daughters 18th birthday shall have her hand in marriage."

With that the young princes set out on thier quests.

The year passed, and again the 3 neighboring families gathered for the birthday ball. After dinner, the first prince enters, followed by a dozen servents carrying baskets full of ping pong balls. "Sire, I present you with 1,000 ping pong balls, and ask that you grant your daughter's hand to me!"

__________________
"Quando Flunkus Moritatii" (I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.) - the Red Green Show



The best thing about taking a vacation, is all the heartfelt huggs received upon your return. - Murphy

"The more you love, the more you CAN love. There's no limit to how much you can love - or how many" Lazarus Long in "Time Enough for Love" - Robert A. Heinlein

"Son," the king replied, "there are still two other princes to present their results, enjoy the dancing while we wait."

And so the dancing began. After the dancing, the second prince enters the hall, followed by 2 dozen servants carrying baskets full of ping pong balls.

"Sire, I have come with 2,000 ping pong balls to claim your daughter's hand in marriage!"

"Son," the king replied, "there is still one more prince to present his results, enjoy some coffee while we wait."

As Midnight approached, the second prince stands up "Sire, I fear the last prince may not arrive, Pray announce that I am the winner of your fair daughters hand."

__________________
"Quando Flunkus Moritatii" (I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.) - the Red Green Show



The best thing about taking a vacation, is all the heartfelt huggs received upon your return. - Murphy

"The more you love, the more you CAN love. There's no limit to how much you can love - or how many" Lazarus Long in "Time Enough for Love" - Robert A. Heinlein

As the king begins to rise, and as the Bells start tolling midnight, the doors to the hall burst open.

There stands the final prince. His clothing is tattered, he is coverd in mud, blood and gore. over his shoulder he carries a huge, furry sack, which he places at the kings feet.

"What is the meaning of this!" the king shouts "How dare you come to my daughters birthday party in such a state?"

The young prince begins to speak, but the king continues:
"And how dare you disgust my guests with this ghastly, greusome......thing! I ask for ping-pong balls and you bring me...THIS!

The prince steps back, looks surprised and shouts:
"Ping-pong balls??? I thought you said King Kongs Balls"

__________________
"Quando Flunkus Moritatii" (I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.) - the Red Green Show



The best thing about taking a vacation, is all the heartfelt huggs received upon your return. - Murphy

"The more you love, the more you CAN love. There's no limit to how much you can love - or how many" Lazarus Long in "Time Enough for Love" - Robert A. Heinlein

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him... Take me... you young stud... take me now!
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fools!!"..... And that's when I shot the @#$%^&&.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Now that the generation that sang, "Hope I die before I get old" is actually getting old, Roy Rivenburg, in his humor column "Off Kilter" wondered if it was time to change the lyrics of some classic rock songs. So he did.

The Beatles: "Lucy in the Sky with Dentures"

Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Early Bird"

The Rolling Stones: "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Can't Hear It)"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'bout my medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

The Lovin' Spoonful: "Do You Believe in Matlock?"

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.