Too true. LOL

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Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.

'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.

'Why's that Mick?' responds Paddy.

'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?'

'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'

'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my lovely sister all the time.'

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'

'I'm sorry sir, I...........'

'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.

Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'

Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'

'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'

'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'

O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'

Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up.

'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.'

Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.

'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.

'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.

What did our parents do when they were bored with no internet?

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either!





(I bet that one got a rise out of you guys!)

Yep.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted.

The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"

She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"

Well," she said. "I didn`t know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Toronto.


They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.


The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.


The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.


The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me , but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."

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^^^^ See, good reasons are possible for just about anything.

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While
tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you,
too!"

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Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with
groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked
sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

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It is disgusting when someone does that, isn't it?