We don't want him here in Darwin, jseal.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

... and you'll for sure not get him.

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Eudaimonia

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged His faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me ... I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

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Eudaimonia

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful
eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I
applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But
Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye....

2.* My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 72.* My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience
grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into
their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing
made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." *The little girl was
wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I
said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I
really think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says
I'm 4 to 6." *(WOW!* I really like this one -- it says I'm only '38'!)

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" *"It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you
know what pregnant means?" she asked. *"Sure," said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the
dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and whenever we want her, we just go get
her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks
and they blame their dog.

Subject: Male logic

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.* In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a*step-up*interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?

I like ^ it.

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Me too.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

He was happy about the hole.

She was happy about the thing..

The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman. .. .. DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?

The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied:

NO. .. .. STATE FARM.

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"It's on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife.

They continue on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

That’s him, lying there in Aisle 5....

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I was evicted from my ranch today due to bankruptcy.
I put up a good fight, but in the end I was deranged.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

I was at the store late the other night. When it was time to pay for groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security going too far, I did just as instructed. When the shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I learned that the cashier was referring to my credit card.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww

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Sounds like the Paris River Swimming Club. An in-Seine exercise.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating