Phobias? ................ Did somebody say my name??
I've alluded to this on the site before, but have never quite come out and laid down my whole phobic experience for all to see, so here goes... *deep breath*
For a long time I was completely defined by my phobias. I had the 'typical' ones, the fears of spiders and bugs (didn't help that my mother was in entymology), heights, and so on, and those alone were the cause of many sleepless nights for me.
My more severe fear, however, took the form of social phobia, also known as generalized social anxiety disorder. Basically, I've been painfully aware of criticism since I was a little kid, a perfectionist in all I do, and that and my shyness combined to make me terrified of doing anything perceived as 'wrong' or 'weird'. That culminated, when I was in high school, with an absolute horror of being embarrassed or made fun of, and a paranoia which convinced me that almost everything I said or did would be construed as 'weird'. I'm not talking about truly odd things here, either --- somehow I was convinced that something as simple as buying a lettuce at the supermarket or getting a book out of the library would make people think I was weird. (Yeah. I know. It's silly, but then again, that's what phobias are about
: unreasonable fear.) Anyway, it got to the point where I could no longer go to school, and then later to the point where I couldn't leave the house at all. Not fun, let me tell you...
But happily, that phase of my life is over. I now lead an entirely normal life (well, apart from posting nude pics of myself on the internet
) and to talk to me in person you'd barely even realize that I'm shy, let alone that I've had that kind of experience. To be perfectly honest, sometimes I wonder if it was even me --- the person who feared so much is so far from the person I am now. I have surpassed my phobia and will never let it overcome me again; but I am no more free of it than an alcoholic who has been sober for years is free of his/her addiction --- I know that the patterns of thinking, the raw emotional responses, are still there, and they do still resurface from time to time. Now, however, I know I have the strength and the support to get beyond them, whereas before I floundered, not believing I had the potential to recover.
Anyway, that's my story. Sorry to go on for so long, but I wanted to offer my experience as a tale of hope for anyone out there who is reading this and struggling with their own fears --- you
can get beyond them, and they
don't have to rule your life. There's no miracle cure, but good friends and hard work will triumph. I for one am always available to listen if anyone wants to talk...
*standing proudly on the soapbox, no longer hiding under it*
--- sweetstuff
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