A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say 'Well, - whatcha gonna do about it?'

The little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time', the bikie says, 'I didn't think you'd CRY. - I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life', says the little guy between sobs.

'I've got to admit it - I'm a complete failure -I just can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home..

I found my wife in bed with the gardener - and then my own dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink - I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve - then you show up and drink the lot! '

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Laughs for Seniors





An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns
to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now
and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple' s
house, and after eating, the wives left the table
and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally
said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to
someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's
the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working
as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need
my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in
the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that n ight, while watching TV, the old man
gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
ys, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of
ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries
and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the
plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking
down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc :
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto
a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

__________________
it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

Soon, not yet, but soon enough.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. ' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating' .

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Makes you wonder how many time little Johnny's parents have been called in to the principle's office.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my pop!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
' Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price..



Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it
home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.



Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I
have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep
the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a
pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think
for $500, they'd at least iron it !'



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon . Closed coffin.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Wake to be advised?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walked even further back behind their husbands, and seemed to appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said...

'Land Mines.'


The moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go)

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

So true.

__________________

Is this just a sick coincidence?

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig -
Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.


Next year is ...

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An increase in viagra sales?

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

A guy goes into a drug store and starts wandering up and down the aisles. Soon a sales lady asks him if she can help him find something. He tells her he's looking for tampons for his wife. She points him down the correct aisle and tells him if he needs anymore help let her know. A few minutes later she's at the register and the guy walks up with a big bag of cotton balls and a roll of string. She gives him a puzzled look and says she thought he was looking for tampons. The guy replies, well the other day I sent my wife out for a carton of cigarettes and she came back with a tin of loose tobacco and rolling papers because "it's sooooo much cheaper." So I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she.

__________________
"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf