10-17-2008, 06:54 AM
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is not this trim anymore!
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 21,709
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A man walks in to a bank, pulls his gun out and demands money from the cashier. When he's finished collecting it, he turns to the person in back of him and asks "Did you see me rob this bank?" The person says "Yes, I did" and in response, the robber shoots him.
The robber then turns to the next person in line and asks her "Did you see me rob this bank?". She says "No, but my husband did."
__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.
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10-17-2008, 10:42 PM
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Turn it up!
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Music City
Posts: 9,293
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Missed this when it was posted, but I have some more to add...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Oldfart
If Music Be the Feud of Love . . . . .
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.
Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.
Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.
Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.
Q: What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.
Q: What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A: Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly
Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think?
Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.
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How many lead singers does it takes to change a light bulb?
Only one, she grabs the bulb & waits for the world to turn around her.
How many bluegrass pickers does it take to change a light bulb?
7, one to change the bulb, & the other six to complain that it's electric.
How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
No one knows...
Didja hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the van?
Took him 4 hours to get the bass player out.
__________________
Plug me into somethin'
If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.
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10-20-2008, 02:47 AM
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Just me.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
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MAKING A BABY
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kisse d his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But If we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love To be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my> equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
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10-20-2008, 02:53 AM
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Just me.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
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THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'*
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10-20-2008, 04:25 AM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
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Buzz Lightyear?
__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
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10-23-2008, 05:12 AM
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Just me.
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: West central Illinois
Posts: 590,002
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The Meaning of Words
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
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10-23-2008, 08:57 PM
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Missing the Angels
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 10,793
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A new supermarket opened recently town.> It has an automatic water = mister to keep the produce > fresh. Just before it> goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder > and the smell of = fresh rain.> When you pass the milk = cases, you hear cows mooing > and you experience the> scent of fresh mown hay.> In the meat department = there is the aroma of charcoal > grilled steaks with> onions> .> When you approach the egg = case, you hear hens cluck > and cackle, and the air> is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and > eggs = frying.> The bread department = features the tantalizing smell > of fresh baked bread and> cookies.> I don't buy toilet paper = there
any > more.
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10-23-2008, 08:59 PM
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Missing the Angels
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 10,793
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I
> >want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
> >The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
> >kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat
> >tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
> >
> >'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
> >headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
> >crisp bacon.
> >'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
> >
> >She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and
> >gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?
> >
> >She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
> >headlights and running boards,you might as well gas up!
> >
> >FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
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10-23-2008, 09:00 PM
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Missing the Angels
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 10,793
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first! kid says, 'A circumcision'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when
I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'
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10-23-2008, 09:57 PM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 547
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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"
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10-24-2008, 04:28 AM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
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A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next
to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand
his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,'
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We
have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL,
bsp; light-speed processing ....and,' pausing to take another drink of
beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young.....so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little prick, what
are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was resounding...
I love senior citizens.
__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
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10-29-2008, 07:34 AM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
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This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young,
nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens
your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.
__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
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10-30-2008, 03:52 PM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
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Something to offend everyone.
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is
crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
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My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die
you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
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Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in
Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
_______________________________________________
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the
part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards,
gets in the car and fucks off.
__________________________________________________ _
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have
Urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the
mosque.
================================================== ========
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of
Me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually,
'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said,
'Fuck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'
__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
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11-02-2008, 09:12 PM
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Loungin' Around
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: West Coast
Posts: 30,587
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Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
__________________
Life is too short not to love and be loved....preferably multiple times in one night.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney
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11-03-2008, 02:46 AM
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Registered User
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: North Australia
Posts: 17,686
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Truer words ne'er spoke in jest?
__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating
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