I thought I would just post in one thread that way everyone can post there jokes here if they like..

If you need a smile I have one for you



Subject: CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots', but they only know how to say
one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
Said the concerned lady.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I
have two male talking parrots' whom I have taught to pray and
read the bible.
Bring your two parrots' over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Franics and Jobe.
My parrots' can teach your parrots' to praise and worship, and
your parrots' are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time!"

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the
solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots' to the priest's
house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots' were
inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots' in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots' cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away, Francis,
our prayers have been answered!"

__________________
when life hand you an orange make SCREW DRIVERS

Subject: Is my time up




A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the hospital. While on the operating table
she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked
"Is my time up?". God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change
her hair color. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it. After her last operation, she was released from
the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in
front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of
the path of the ambulance?"


( You'll love this!!!)
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God replied, "I didn't recognize you

__________________
when life hand you an orange make SCREW DRIVERS

Good one(s).

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

nice

__________________
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Special Notice from Carnival Cruise Lines!!!












Subject: NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES:

Afghanistan Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines

didn't forget that a lot of entertainers

had promised to leave the country if

George W.Bush became President.

With that in mind, we have a Special Offer

for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell,

Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand,

Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise,

please dispose of all US assets and report to
Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise,

"Elation," which has been commissioned

to take you to your new vacation homes

in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor

a Farewell Parade in your honor

through Palm Beach,Broward,

and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay...

at least four years and you should consider

the possibility of eight years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain,



Al Gore as cruise director,

Monica Lewinsky as recreation director,



Ted Kennedy as lifeguard

and emergency procedures director,



and

Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements

for your homes,friends and loved ones,

please direct your comments to

Senator Hillary Clinton.



Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she
can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!

__________________
when life hand you an orange make SCREW DRIVERS