ok, I was almost finished with this post when my power went out so let's try this again. lol

First of all, I'm no longer the resident pothead. I've been clean since 7-18-06 (which is 45 days today) and I've never been happier!

Now for the reason of this post. I know no one is perfect but I've found someone who I truely believe is as close as I'll ever find. This girl, Natasha, has been the best friend I've ever had. She's truely a blessing in my life and I love her with all my heart. There's just one little problem, her boyfriend James. It's one of those internet relationships and they've never even met. But she says there's just something between them that she just can't explain.

I just don't know what I should do. I asked my NA sponsor about relationships and his only advice came from the NA Basic Text which is "Relationships can be a terribly painful area." Right now, Natasha is the only woman I'm willing to get into a relationship with. I don't know why but I don't think the relationship between Natasha and James is going to last much longer. Last week, she was willing to throw away the relationship because they still haven't met but she's changed her mind since then.

My first question is if I should even get into a relationship this early in my recovery? She knows that my recovery has to come first and she knows that a lot of nights we won't be able to see or talk to each other because I have NA meetings to go to. My second question is what I should do between Natasha and I while she's still dating James. I've heard the saying 'eating ain't cheating' but I just don't know. Last week, she was totally open to the idea of having a 'friends with (partial) benefits' type of relationship but now she just wants to be friends. Keeping that friendship alive is my ultimate goal. Like I said, she's the best friend I've ever had and I don't want to loose that for anything.

I really don't know what to do. Should I wait paitiently until the relationship between her and James disolves? If she becomes open to at least partial benefits again, should I take her up on them? It's been a VERY long time since I've been with anyone in any type of sexual way and I just straight up need to get laid! lol

I need to go so please, give me any and all suggestions you might have.

Thanks!

__________________
words I live by;

POW/MIAs - No Will Never Be Forgotten

Karma can be a bitch, so don't make her mad!

Politeness counts.

The definition of a gentleman/lady is someone who does all the he/she can do to make the people around them as happy and comfortable as possible

Life's a bitch but it's all gotta be for something. If you keep faith in that, everything will be okay.

Every once in a great while, you just gotta kick a little ass!

OK, well it's very late here but my heartburn is keeping me awake (the joys of pregnancy) so I'm going to risk a reply, but bear in mind it might be a bit fuzzy due to the time of night and the fact that I've just woken up!

First of all: if you love her and she does not love you, do not get into a 'friends with benefits' type of arrangement. You'll only get hurt.

Secondly: You are undergoing a lot of change in your life at the moment and 45 days into being clean is probably not the best time to be making decisions that may impact on the rest of your life. Risking this friendship may well do just that.

Thirdly: If you need to get laid, then go use someone else for sex - using your best friend is a baaaaaad idea as you both have too much to lose. It might also be a good idea to make sure it's not just your trousers talking when you suddenly feel that you're in love with this girl who's been in your life for a while already.

Fourthly: If you are convinced you're in love, you're not willing to wait and you're sure you won't just be using her for sex, then the first step is to tell her how you feel. Tell her what, ideally you'd like to see happening with the relationship and see if she feels the same, whether she's willing to end the online relationship for giving it a go with you. I don't subscribe to the crass remark made by the Governor of California about 'eating isn't cheating' - I'd be fucking livid if Fussy did that with another woman, but I do believe that 'talking isn't cheating'. Tell her how you feel, and tell her that your ultimate goal is to keep her friendship, even if she doesn't want more from the relationship and see what she says and how you feel. Once you know, one way or another you can put it to bed and the ball's in her court with regard to what she does about her online beau.

I hope this helps (or at the very least makes grammatical sense!!)

__________________
"Time flies like an arrow -
Fruit flies like a banana"

M Y - N A U G H T Y - P I C T U R E S ! !

I know I love her as a friend, I've known that for a while now. I've told her how I feel and she basically told me that she doesn't feel the same. She said she loves me as a friend but for now, she wants to keep it that way. However, that's only because of James. She's not very good at describing how she feels because she can't explain how she feels about James or me.

As far as using someone else to get laid idea, that's difficult. I don't feel that I have the looks, carisma, or the self confidence to be able to pick up a girl in a club or bar. Not to mention bars and clubs are a big no-no with being in recovery. First of all, I don't know where to go to pick up a girl for a one night stand. Second, I don't even have a clue as to what to say. Third, I'm not totally comfortable having a one night stand. So unless there's a horny little pixie within driving distance of me, I don't think that's a possibility.

I'm kinda afraid that she's just playing me. I'm very gullable and not talented at all at seeing through women's b.s. She knows everything about how I feel and yet she's unwilling/unable to tell/describe how she feels about me. Until James is out of the picture, we're all but stuck being just friends. I'm not comfortable having her cheat on James in any way but my trousers were doing the talking last week when we had the idea of partial benefits. The way I see it, if she's willing to cheat (or partially cheat) on James, what's keeping her from doing the same to me. I don't want that.

Anyway, thanks for your input. Anyone else care to jump in on this?

__________________
words I live by;

POW/MIAs - No Will Never Be Forgotten

Karma can be a bitch, so don't make her mad!

Politeness counts.

The definition of a gentleman/lady is someone who does all the he/she can do to make the people around them as happy and comfortable as possible

Life's a bitch but it's all gotta be for something. If you keep faith in that, everything will be okay.

Every once in a great while, you just gotta kick a little ass!

First off congrats on your 45 days that's a huge event. next off I'm surprised that no one in your NA circle never told you the 1 year guideline. which is staying out of a relationship for a year. The reason being your feelings the whole time you were useing was guided by your altered state. Take the time to get to know yourself sober. Your emotions are going to go through a roller coaster ride, and having to worry about a relationship while trying to stay clean is a hard task. Talk to your sponser about this and if you do not have one I think you should think about getting one. Okay that's it for me if I go on anymore it would sound like a lecture. Enjoy your sobriety.
Sober since- 10/2/02

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

The one year guideline has been explained to me but no one I know follows that. Not even my sponsor, and yes I do have one. Basically, it's a 'when ever you feel ready' type deal. Natasha is the only woman I feel I'm ready for. I understand that it takes time to understand who I really am. I just feel that she can help me understand who I am. I'm leaving it to God, I'm being honest with her, myself, and my sponsor. I'm working the program and this relationship to the best of my abilities. I'm a member of the 'No Matter What' club. No matter what, I know I don't have to use. I've gone through a crisis recently and I now know how to work every tool in my toolbelt. I seriously don't think that she'll do anything that would make me want to use. But even if she does, I'm not going to use, no matter what! The way I see it, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. If it's not meant to happen, then it won't. Like I said, I'm leaving it up to God. I just wanted some advice if it turns out I am meant to be with her.

Congrats winston77 on your own recovery! Thanks for your input.

__________________
words I live by;

POW/MIAs - No Will Never Be Forgotten

Karma can be a bitch, so don't make her mad!

Politeness counts.

The definition of a gentleman/lady is someone who does all the he/she can do to make the people around them as happy and comfortable as possible

Life's a bitch but it's all gotta be for something. If you keep faith in that, everything will be okay.

Every once in a great while, you just gotta kick a little ass!

Grats on being clean.



Wait.

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
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