Ok folks, this one's alittle difficult.

I am lucky enough to have a very good friend that is able to help me out through this deployment. her husband is in the same unit as mine and her son is only a little bit younger than my son. Our situation is almost exactly the same. I'm posting this for her, but she doesn't know I'm asking for your advice.

it seems as though she is in love with someone else. it's not that she doesn't love her husband, she is totally in love with him too. But she confessed to me that lately she's been having feelings about this other guy so strong that she can't just ignore them anymore. They were very good friends before the deployment and things have just developed from there. They've hung out alot, and she adores him, adores his kids and he treats her well.

she doesn't know what to do. she doesn't want to be unfaithful to her husband, espeically now, and especially becuase of their son. but at the same time she is undenyably attracted to this guy and is having visions of being a family with him and his children. But she doesn't want to hurt her husband and is still inlove with him too.

She's very confused. And I'm at a loss for what to tell her.

LAw

Dear Heart all I can offer is the feelings of a man on the recieving end of the news of an unfaithful spouse. There is no dagger, no sword, no impact from a speeding bullet that can match the pain of being hit with that realization. It boils down to her priorities, is she more concerned with pursuit of her own feelings or concerns for his? Marriage is difficult even when both halves are together, distance only complicates things. All you can really do is tell her to make damn sure she knows what she wants before she makes a decision, once it's done.. that's it. I wish the best for you and them both.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

This is no solution.....But does the fact that her husband is deployed have anything to do with it? It's one thing to be in love with someone else when you get to come home to your husband every night.

It's another thing to make this "decision" when you are lonely and haven't seen your husband in a while. It's very hard to prioritize someone who is abscent over a warm, willing, caring, and compatible person you see daily.

IMHO -- there is more than one person in this world who you could be perfectly happy with and who would complement you. I've met a couple in my life time that -- were circumstances different -- I could have comitted the rest of my life to. Falling in love -- and caring for someone -- is not a sin. And caring for two men at once is eminently possible.

The choices your friend need to make are (1) is she unhappy with her husband, or is it the immediacy of being near someone else (while being lonely) that is clouding her judgement? and (2) is it worth the tradeoffs to make this big life change? and (3) Is it better to wait and mak ethe decisions after her husband is home?

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Life is too short not to love and be loved....preferably multiple times in one night.

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney

The need to love the one you're with when you can't be with the one you love is well understood. OsuChe's questions are equally honest.

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Fidelity is always a choice .... not necessarily an easy one, but maybe she needs to stop thinking about her feelings of this moment and start thinking about how she will feel if she makes a choice to be with this other man ... how will she feel when she has to tell her husband about it ... who she freely admits she still loves, how will she feel if he cannot deal with it and asks for a divorce, how will she feel when her child looks at her and asks why daddy doesn't live with them anymore. When it comes to the hard choices in life ... I try to think it through to the conclusion and ask myself about the things I might have to deal with ... for me, looking myself in the mirror everyday thereafter would also have to be included in the possible future I would look at.

she's allowed to be attracted to or love someone besides her husband, but that doesn't mean she needs to act on it. but the dilema's solution seems clear to me....she doesn't want to be unfaithful so she shouldn't. if it would hurt her husband, and she does it anyway, then she doesn't love him as much as she thought. at the verry least, i think she should wait until her hubby gets home and talk to him about it.

who knows? it could just be a crush or fantasy that disappears after a while. imagine how she'd feel if she hurt her family just for a crush.

maybe you could help her make a pro/con list. getting it all out in black and white in front of her may help her see the situation better.

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Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

I just feel very sorry for her at this point. She's got alot going on - even more than be because her little boy is very sick. She's lonely and alone (there is a difference) and wants some attention and this dude is giving it to her. I honestly think their feelings are valid and that they genuinely care for each other.

Perhaps writing it all out is a good idea. maybe i'll suggest that.

Your friend isn't entirely alone. She obviously has a close friend who cares enough to ask for advice before advising her. She's got it tough, but "for better or worse" entails a lot. Just be sure if something happens you don't feel caught up in the middle. I can't help but admire your caring and support for her. That should be an advantage, let's see if she sees it.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

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Did you ever stop to think that if maybe the Pilgrims would have killed a cat instead of a turkey, we'd all eat pussy for Thanksgiving? :P :d:


Snatch a Kiss..........or vice versa :P

"Consider yourself an Idiot. Now consider yourself a Member of Congress...But I repeat myself" --Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain

I have to concurr with Big Bear. There is no pain that can match the impending news. Absence does make the heart wander in some instances unfortunately. These folks too are casualties of war unfortunately. My advice would be for her to maintain status quo for the time being. Making a decision of this sort that will have an impact on so many lives is not one to be made based on emotions alone. The decision she makes now will be one that many will have to live with all the rest of their lives. I know some from the local National Guard unit that have recently returned from Iraq and one has returned to this situation. Another returned and it was just the reverse. There is no easy answer. Our own personal happiness is the most important thing in our lives and she will have to weigh all the consequences against what is going to make her happy. Good luck to her and to you for helping her deal with this.

bare4you said: Our own personal happiness is the most important thing in our lives

Not when kids are involved, when you take the responsibility of bringing a new life into this world, your own personal happiness should take a backseat....or you should put the kid up for adoption so that it will be loved the way it was supposed to be.

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Did you ever stop to think that if maybe the Pilgrims would have killed a cat instead of a turkey, we'd all eat pussy for Thanksgiving? :P :d:


Snatch a Kiss..........or vice versa :P

"Consider yourself an Idiot. Now consider yourself a Member of Congress...But I repeat myself" --Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain

The grass is always greener on the other side.

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Strength in depth

I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul

I read through the things you have to say several times, and I'm feeling a little uneasy. But i'm not sure why. I think becuase I really feel like you're condemning her for being lonely. You may say you can imagine how it feels to have someone you love thousands of miles away, but the bottom line is, unless it's happened to you before, you can't. Unless it's happened to someone they will enver understand the fear, the lonliness, the uneasy, restless feeling that hits everytime you see the aftermath of a car bomb on CNN and wonder if your husband saw it happen. Or worse yet, was a casulty of it. Or see little kids pointing guns at American soldiers and wonder if your husband would defend him self or take a bullet to keep from shooting a child.

Being the wife of a deployed soldier is a little like being a widow - just without the dead body. From all outward appearances, and for all intents and purposes you are a single woman, you just happen have a commitment to a marriage that you reap no benefits from. From my support group, i learned that spouses of the deployed actually go through the same phases of grief that they would go through if their other half had died - then, about the time we adjust, they come home and we are forced to act like nothing ever happened.

And as a single mom, let me say this regarding dating and remarraige. if a single mom wants to date and go out, then by all means go. Single moms are with their children 24/7 and if they occaisionally need a break, then go for it. If you never do something for yourself, you run the risk of resenting your children for the things you never got to do. That is one of the saddest things in the world to me and i refuse to let it happen.

I'm not negating your advice, and I'm not condemning you. But I do want you to understand where she is coming from. She is 100% committed to her child and husband. Infidelity and divorce are no longer options for her, if they ever were. It's hard for her to come home every night to an empty house. It's difficult to teach a child about their daddy when he's never met his father. Its damned near impossible trying to keep up your husband's spirits when you're breaking down inside and you can't fucking tell him about it becuase you don't want to distract him from the "important service to his country" that he is performing. I understand why she feels this way, although I don't condone it.

I think this has moved into the realm of rambling, so I'll stop now. i just don't want you guys to think badly of her for having these feelings. We are both in a strange and difficult situation, and neither of us are very strong people.

LAW

Theres not much more I can say that hasn't been said, but I still say gecko hit it right on the head, and though I think he came accross a little harsh , he's got his mind in the right place I'd say and sometimes a little tough advice is needed, even if it's not the popular vote, love doens't have a 4 month expiry date, it's not that we don't understand that she's lonely, god knows I've been in a few hard places myself

but I think this cop out of I'm lonely and nobody understands therefore it makes it ok is just overplayed, yeah she's in a shitty place, I'll agree with that, but never the less it really does damage my faith in "love" that like I said, seems to have an expiry where after so long it becomes stale and people just go looking elsewhere, good times and bad eh? yeah right

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You ask me if I've known love and what it's like to sing songs in the rain?
Well I've seen love come, I've seen shot down, I've it die in vain

Maybe someday I'll see you again, and you'll look me in my eyes and call me a friend.

I can only imagine how it must feel to be married but yet be alone because your spouse is far away. I would suggest that your friend might want to slow things down with her companion, There would be nothing wrong with stepping back and sorting things out. If he is always around giving her comfort and attention, I don't think she can make a clear decision on how she feels. Either way it sounds like at this point someone is going to get hurt and that is never something most people want to deal with. As her friend offer her your support, give her some attention that she might be lacking and hopefully she will figure out what she should do.