Oral Argument
 

The duel of the tongue vibrators



U.S. District Judge Vanessa Gilmore is having a heavy, heavy time these days, with the tedious procedural sparring of the Enron broadband suit and the looming death penalty case against a heartless human smuggler.
So she might be forgiven for laughingly telling attorneys, "I want this one!" when pretrial discussions began on a patent-infringement case involving…tongue vibrators. (We assume Gilmore was referring to the case and not the product.)

Her courtroom will see a titanic battle this fall to determine just who owns the patent for designing a small vibrator that attaches to the tongue, presumably to facilitate the kind of activities that might still get you arrested in certain Southern states.

It's The Tiggler vs. Tongue Joy, and passions are high. So high, in fact, that the cops were called out after two of the attorneys scuffled during a March 26 deposition in San Francisco. (Since the depo took place at the infamous building where eight law firm employees were massacred in 1993, SFPD answered the 911 call with an army of officers. Two attorneys were cited for misdemeanor battery.)

"It's a pretty odd case…I'm usually dealing with things like software infringement," says Eric Osterrieder, a Houston attorney involved in the case (who wasn't one of the brawlers). His opponent, Charles Rogers (who was involved in the incident) says he usually deals with patents for "downhole drilling technology," which, surprisingly enough, doesn't involve sexual aids. (It's an oil industry term.)

The Tiggler ($31 via www.lesbiansextoys.com and other Web sites) is the brainchild of Eric Klein, a Silicon Valley software engineer and part-time inventor. It requires a pierced tongue, as does so much of life.

Klein even pierced his own tongue to test the product. He learned, alas, that it wasn't easy to find female subjects willing to assist the scientific odyssey of a fortysomething, single software engineer (and part-time inventor!).

"Maybe if I was 19," he says. "You get to be my age and women just go, 'I don't want to hear about it.' "

Meanwhile (and of course, the definition of "meanwhile" is in dispute), JJK Industries of Austin was developing the Tongue Joy ($49 at www.tonguejoy.com), which attaches to the tongue via elastic loops. (One Web site testimonial: "It's the ultimate romantic gesture!!")

A jury will hear the case in September. Which will be declared "National Double Entendre Month" by the Union of Reporters and Headline Writers, coincidentally enough.