|
Jokes
Loved the funny picture thread so here's one just for jokes, dirty or clean (preferably dirty :D ).
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?" ------- The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens to sell for cooking. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they've hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking." ----------- Ever had any of this happen to you, fellow Pixies members?:D You know you've had too much holiday cheer when... 1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!" 9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you. 10.You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 11.You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 12.You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. 13.You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 14.You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 15.You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 16.You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. 18.You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan. 19.You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 20.You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 21.You realize you're the only one under the coffee table. |
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men. :D :D :D |
Santa's Dirty Elves
Two elves go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first elf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again.......ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second elf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." The second elf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed" :D :D :D |
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraidof spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get! Sharniqua |
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the
Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. <click> <click> Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow job - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" Sharniqua |
Eight things you'll never hear a man say :
8. Here honey, you use the remote. 7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. 6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! 5. While I'm up, can I get you anything? 4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held. 3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place. 2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. 1. We never talk anymore. Eight things you'll never hear a woman say : 8. What do you mean today's our anniversary? 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big! 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends' 4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger! Sharniqua |
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world." "On the other hand, Port makes me fart. |
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit." |
"Feel Like A Woman?"
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his/her own immediate peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. The guy gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman. He then bends over to her and whispers: "Here.... Iron this" Sharniqua |
A few days before he had to go to his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really do have to learn to trust me."
|
LOL scotz...that was good
When the man first noticed his member was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though his rare condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked. "Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to lengthen his legs aren't you?" Sharniqua |
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy". Sharniqua |
Top Ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day"
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Sqat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. AAAANNNND.... the number One thing men would do it they woke up with a vagina for a day 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. |
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World. The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen." "OK", the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!" The Genie shakes his head and says "LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!" Sharniqua |
:D:D
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, linage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required. ================================================== ===== Name:___________________________Date of Birth:______________________ Height:____________ Weight:____________ I.Q.___________ GPA:_________ Social Security Number:___________________ Driver's License #:____________ Boy Scout Rank:_____________________________________________ ______ Home Address:____________________________ City:____________________ State:____________________________ Zip Code:_______________________ ================================================== ===== How far can you run: 40 yards?_______________ 2 miles?___________________ Do you own a? A)Van____ B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ C)Waterbed?_____ Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________ NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8, discontinue the application process and leave the premises! In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________ In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__ __________________________________________________ _______________ In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________ __________________________________________________ _______________ Church you Attend:___________________ How often do you attend?____________ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________ Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone, ever) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________. A Women's place is in the _________________________. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________. In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted. My greatest fear is__________________________________________. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________. NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises. Keep your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________ Have you ever been fingerprinted?______ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________ Your dentist is__________________ Emergency phone #_________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS. Signature________________________ Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. (It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.) |
The Married Man's Score Board
(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him) Simple Duties ------------ * You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5 * But return with beer: -5 * You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 * You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 * You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 * You pummel it with a six iron: +10 * It's her father: -10 Social Engagements ------------------ * You stay by her side the entire party: 0 * You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 * Named Tiffany: -4 * Tiffany is a dancer: -6 * Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons ------------------- * You visit her parents: +1 * You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 * You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 * And the television is off: -6 * You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6 * And you didn't even go to college: -10 * And it's not really your underwear: -15 Her Birthday ------------ * You take her out to dinner: 0 * You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 * Okay, it's a sports bar: -2 * And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 * It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 * You give her a gift: 0 * You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10 * You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 * You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 * You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 * You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 * With her credit card: -30 * And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40 Thoughtfulness ---------------------- * You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25 * Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 * And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out With Your Pals ---------------------------------------- * You have a few beers: -9 * For every beer after three: -2 again * And miss curfew by an hour: -12 * You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 * You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 * And not wearing any pants: -40 * Is that a tattoo? -200 A Night Out, Just the Two of You ------------------------------------------------- * You go see a comic: +2 * He's crude and sexist: -2 * You laugh: -5 * You laugh too much: -10 * She's not laughing: -15 * You laugh harder: -25 Driving ---------- * You lose the directions on a trip: -4 * You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 * You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 * You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25 * She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication ---------------------- * When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 * When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 * You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 * She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10 |
Little Johnny II
Little Johnny is in Math class. The teacher, who is an absolutely stunning brunette in her early 20's, with a schoolgirls uniform on, asks Johnny, "If there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left?" Johnny replies "None". Teacher says "I don't think you understand, If you shoot one of the birds, there will then only be three left" Johnny replies, "No maam, when you fire the gun, all the birds will leave." Ths stunning teacher scratches her chin and says to Johnny "I like the way you think" Johnny then says to the teacher "You're married, can I ask you a question?" She replies yes. Johnny says "Three women are eating ice cream cones; one is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking on it, which one is married"? The teacher blushes and says "I suppose it would be the one that is sucking it." Johnny says "No, actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think." |
Shit Happens
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language..
CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.. Shit happens, don't step in it... Sharniqua |
Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Spot' I made the mistake of calling mine 'Sex'.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one too!' Then I said, 'But this is for a dog.' He said, 'I don't care what she looks like.' Then I said, 'You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old.' He said, 'You must have been quite a kid.' When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, 'You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me too.' One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert. I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, 'I've come for my dog.' She said, 'Which one, Spot or Rover?' I said, 'What about Sex?' She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again. Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.' He said, 'What's your point, so did I.' I said, 'But my wife wants to take Sex away.' He said, 'That's what happens in a divorce.' Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, 'What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?' I said I was looking for Sex. My case comes up on Friday. |
Newfie Humor
A newfie calls 911
"Hello, is this the OPP?" "Yes. What can we do for you?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatric! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the OPP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left. The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the OPP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas, Buddy" :D :D :D |
Tribute to the greatest word
The Versatility of the Word "Fuck"
Famous uses of Fuck What the fuck was that? -- The Mayor of Hiroshima Look at all these fucking Indians -- General Custer Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs! -- Captain of the Titanic That's not a fucking real gun -- John Lennon The fucking throttle's stuck -- Donald Campbell Who's going to fucking know? -- President Nixon Heads are going to fucking roll -- Henry VIII Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out -- King Harold Scattered showers my fucking ass -- Noah Where the fuck have you been? -- Stanley to Livingston Can you smell fucking gas? -- Captain of the Hindenburg Fuck you Brutus! -- Julius Caeser It can be used when... Apathetic Well who gives a fuck anyway? Aggressive Fuck you! Annoyed I got fucked at the used car lot. Confused What the fuck? in Denial I didn't fucking do it. Directing Fuck off. in Disbelief How the fuck did you do that? Defiant The fuck you can! Derisive He fucks everything up. in Despair Fucked again. in Difficulty I can't understand this fucking business. Dismayed Oh, fuck it! Displeased What the fuck is going on here? Greeting How the fuck are you? Ignorant Fucked if I know. indicating Incompetence He's all fucked up! in Panic Let's get the fuck out of here. Perplexed I know fuck all about it. Resigned Oh fuck it. Suspicious Who the fuck are you? To hell with shit, fuck is the ruler of the english language! :D |
Some history behind the language's best word
(I have no clue if this is true or not)
In ancient England people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in the Royal Family ). When people wanted to have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and the king gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King ) on it . Hence that's where the word FUCK came from. Now, aren't you glad you learned something new today ? |
Re: Some history
Sorry JimJ
The acronym you're quoting is far too modern to be the basis of the word FUCK. Ancient English was very much like German or Norse, with short harsh words like Sky, knife, hit and probably fuck. Well told however. Just by the way, (setting scene) did you know that may Irish served with distinction in the Brit forces during WWII. During the attack on Dieppe, an exercise if futility which cost thousands of Brit, Canadian and Aussie lives and prisoners, an Irish Colour Sergeant was captured. Shortly thereafter two little men in black leather coats came in. "Vot is your name?" WHACK!! "Who vas your commander?" WHACK!! "Vot vere your objectives?" WHACK!! "Who vere your local contacts?" WHACK!! "Und please stop hitting me!!" |
oldfart---Many are called;but;few are chosen.Must have been one
of those "Orangemen!" Irish |
The Birds & The Bees
A momma asked her ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong. "Oh Mom," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!!!" :D :D |
Penis Compulsion!
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." :D :D :D :D |
Recent studies have shown that women who drink iced tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies show that women who drink long island iced tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back of a camaro with sticky hair.:D |
Averag Time
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes. Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually. 156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile. So girls, if you are not getting your half mile every year, I'm sure there is someone out there that will help ya !!:cool: |
Strip Club
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.... I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door. David |
60 Things NOT to say to a man!
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 13. It's okay, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8 year old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it will grow. 26. Thanks, I need a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is god punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. [#@!$], I hate babysitting. 38. It looks unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbit? 45. Aww, it's hidding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an airpump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people personality. 55. Whee are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it? |
Kids and Condoms
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March... |
You've probably seen these before, but, it makes a nice compilation.
TOP 7 SEX JOKES #7 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." ************************************************** #6 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." ************************************************** #5 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." ************************************************** #4 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ************************************************** * #3 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked." ************************************************** * #2 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". ************************************************** ** #1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!! |
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 4. A penny saved is a government oversight. 5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 7. He who hesitates is probably right. 8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame. 9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? 12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. 13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? 14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened. 17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors. . . . but they all have to learn to live in the same box. 18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. 28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails. 30. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color!! 31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today |
Scotzoidman
Yep,
Just like ticking off a checklist. Wish I still had the energy for some of it. |
Darwin Award
Not quite a joke.... and somewhat painful at that.... might even not be true....
_______________________ The Darwin award usually goes to the most unusual death of the year. (It is intended to credit those that do the world a favor by removing themselves from the gene pool). This story was a notable exception! From the Orlando Sentinel..... Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining two were asked to leave the course. Yes, He survived. Ordinarily this would disqualify him for a Darwin. On the other hand, he did permanently remove his genes from the pool. |
JUST FOR ((((IRISH))))
Three Pints
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though...." :D :D :p :D :p :) ;):fish: |
Just a Quickie!!!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". :D :D :) |
Cold Hands!!!
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,... don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?":whiteghos :eek: :D :D ;) |
Art Exhibit
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at
a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it." The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis." The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch." :D :D ;) |
girlfreind troubles
Warning
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware. Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and require you to try and guess the problem yourself. Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Nova programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself. Stuart McK.Muirhead, Special Deputy Sheriff, (Certified),Belmont County,Ohio. |
| All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:24 PM. |
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.10
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.