HERS / HIS


HER DIARY


Wednesday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY


Today the Cubs lost. At least I got laid.

Nookie Greene
 

A man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”
Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners, the priest thinks. Then, he tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”
Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest has to ask, “Who is Nookie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten Hail
Mary’s.” The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is
Nookie Green?

The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.

Her dress is green and way too short, with matching
shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, “Is that Nookie Green?” The altar boy’s eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

Woman’s Workout Week If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.

He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a dazzling white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week, I am already planning to join!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT, it’s a whole new life for me!

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my arms hurt to bad to do it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving to the club was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not pull my leg up to brake. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.

Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me this would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to workout with the dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women’s room. He sent Lana (the

witch) to find me, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

Friday:

I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body that could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a twinky. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel from the couch.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the rotten dog) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Nursery rhymes
 

Mary had a little skirt
With slits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked,
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
‘twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Said “Fuck him, he’s only an egg.”

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy puddin’ and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, ‘cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forget her pill
And now there’s little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Trick or Treat
 

10 Reasons Trick or Treat is better than SEX


10. You're guaranteed to get at least a
little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes
and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier
it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the
person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't
fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache,
it won't las t 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask,
no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear
you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want,
you can always go next door!! :D :D

Grandad
 

Grandfather advice:

This should reconfirm that the most important information in your life does not come from a teacher, the library, or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday date is coming up, and for
me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he gave! Much was wasted because I was young, but if he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said .

"Be sure you marry a woman with small hands. It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Safety First!
 

I was happy.

My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that I was soon to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome.
So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
come and get me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



Lesson learnt: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Football RULES!
 

The GAME might be different..... the IDEA'S the same!!! :D

Romance is NOT dead!
 

Heeheehee! :D :devil:

Early............. ?!?!
 

Hmm......

1st Date
 

D'you you remember YOU'RE first date???

(This sounds familiar to me! :()

Locks?
 

BE CAREFUL with your doors.........








.............or................








........... practice what you preach!!!








That's it, for tonight!

DM

OMG, DM ... those are terrific. :D :D

Not sure if this one has been posted before... but it gave me a laugh.
-Toast
_______________________

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the
part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter
of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which
reads:


Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Is it a bird,
 

Is it a 'plane.......?

Nope........

Winter's comin'
 

Now THIS is cold!!!

Any golfers?
 

Only tried golf a few times.......


....... this woulda helped a LOT!! :)

Huh?
 

You know those signs you see, that don't seem to relate to anything?

Have you EVER.....
 

......wished you could do this?

For Fla. folks!!
 

Eat your heart out, Cleopatra!!!

Last for today!
 

This is when you KNOW you're having a good time!! :D









Hope you liked these!

DM

ROTFLMAO. Dm, where did you find those, they're terrific!

Glad you like 'em, dicksbro! :D

Some I get sent, others CA gets and she forward them to me. I post well under HALF of what is sent..... my own form of censorship, I guess! ;)

DM

Sorry to those of you North of the border but I just couldn't resist

An Mexican in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss accured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Mexican was heard to mutter as he left the station... "Damned Canadians!"

I thought this was funny

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry,"
Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday
up North about 9 months ago?""Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen
to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a
visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my
name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and
he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you
ask?" "She just died and left me everything."









(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep
that smile for the rest of the day!! :)

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had.

The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Too funny Bardog!! :D


An old gentleman was walking along the road one day, when he happened to see little Johnny sitting on the kerb crying his eyes out!
"What's the matter Johnny, why are you crying?" he asked.
"I'm cry(sniff)ing cos I ca-han't do what the (sniff) BIG boys do!" replied Johnny.
At that, the old gentleman sat on the kerb next to Johnny, and started crying HIS eyes out!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he
has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay
there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

Little Johnny told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead
or alive.
"Dead," she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his ear and he didn't move," said the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?", cried the teacher in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssssst' in his ear
and he didn't move"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage
that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of
prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way
in hell could I do that!!" The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his
answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with
circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.
"Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie
one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her
right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them
off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I
got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down
and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her
left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor, as well. She then
proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both
of them to the floor...
"Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail
around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I
moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of
tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and
boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in
Circumstantial Evidence."

For Halloween
 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, “What the heck is going on?” The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

if rednecks ruled the world (1)

if rednecks ruled the world (2)

if rednecks ruled the world (3)

if rednecks ruled the world (4)

MilkToast,

That's harsh dude, real harsh.