What do you call Abuse in a relationship or marriage?

[cockalot]

How many times does a husband or lover have to hit you before you say you have had enough, and do they change? Saying it's your fault doesn't cut it or does it?

[John_L]

The answer is generaly "Once".
When someone lashes out in anger its not something they can control. They need help. Until such time as they have had treatment they are definitly dangerous. I'd say "LEAVE NOW". Leave immediatly. Keep them at a distance until they have started treatment. At that time you should be fairly safe in public but DO NOT get close to them again until they have controlled their anger.
NOTE: It is not common for a person to be cured of this kind of behavior in a short period of time. Expect treatment to take years before they are cured enought to be around.

The reason I said "Once" is because some people turn the anger on themselves and only hit others by accident. They to need help with anger management but they are not a threat to you in the same way. They are generally unhappy with some aspect of themselves and, depending on the root cause, may be helped more by you being around.

If you have more detailed question I'd suggest either sending a PM to MrCuriousUSA or post here an I'll see if my wife can get you better help/contact info for local support groups.

Please remember, this kind of activity only gets worse.

[wolfspirit]

No one should hit anyone------EVER!!!!! Once is once too much. Regardless of who's fault it is.

[Fang]

Agreed. I have a bad temper myself but have never resorted to laying a hand on a woman. I've shattered car windows (slamming the door too hard while it was half way down) and stupidly putting my fist through a door, but I've never and will never raise a hand to hurt anyone, especially someone I love.

That doesn't mean that some people just don't need their asses kicked. Unfortunately, it's the (usually guys) ones doing most of the ass kicking that really their own kicked.

[Hector]

I agree with the others that once is too much. I'm certain that if you are in that situation it is easy to make excuses for your partner. However, these situations don' fix themselves. You must take chage of your destiny.

What do you mean by "saying it's you fault"? It's never you fault if someone hits you. However, people who hit often manipulate their partners to make them feel as if it's their fault. Please try to see this for what it is. Don't let it undermine your self confidence and always remember that you deserve to be treated better than this. There is help and support out there for you.

I'm affraid there is only one solution to your problem and that's to head for the door in the safest way possible. However, I think you realise this and are trying to summon up the strength you need. It may be the best thing you ever do.

I hope you are ok and safe. I wish you well.

[Akubra]

When I was a young boy my father told me that a man who hits a woman is a dog, and has no honor.
I don't care what excuses people give as to why they did it, they are still dogs.

So in answer to your question, ONCE, as far as them saying they will change, in my opinion, change is something you wake up with in the morning and it leads and guides your whole day. it's not something you decide at 4:30 in the afternoon, and then say you start tomorrow.
Saying you'll change and actually changing are 2 different things entirely.

[chicken260]

in a bdsm relationship, what counts as abuse?

[Fornikator]

Any violence that's not consensual.

[cockalot]

i HAD ATTEMPTED LEAVING 6 TIMES, AND EACH TIME I WANTED TO TELL HIM WHY AND THE BS HE WAS GIVING ME. I NEEDED CLOSEOUR, SO I THOUGHT. EACH TIME I GOT TALKED INTO STAYING. EACH TIME WHEN I DID STAY I STILL HAD THE FLIGHT AND FEAR THING INSIDE ME TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. I HAD TALKED TO EVERY ONE IN SIGHT FROM HOT-LINES TO COUNSELORS AND ALL SAID IT WAS THE "HONEYMOON" STAGE AND WOULDN'T LAST LONG. I LEFT THIS LAST TIME FOR 3 DAYS AND WENT THRU HELL, I WANTED HIM TO CALL AND I WANTED HIM DEAD, I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE ONE MORE TIME, I WANTED HIM TO GO TO COUNSELING, TO GET HELP. ANYWAY I WOUND UP GOING HOME BUT STILL HAD THE RENTAL TRUCK, AND DID NOT BRING MY THINGS BACK. WE WERE GOING TO TALK, HE HAD GOTTEN RID OF EVERYTHING THAT WAS ME IN THE HOUSE....THREW IT OUT, GAVE MY HORSES AWAY...CLEANED-UP AFTER3 DAYS. I ASKED HIM HOW HE FELT THAT HIS WIFE OF 12 YRS HAD TO COME INTO THE HOUSE HOLD A CAN OF MAZE IN CASE HE GOT SMART. HE REFUSED TO GO TO COUNSELING, BUT HAS NOT DONE ONE THING TO HURT ME. SO I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS I "SETTLED", AND AM NOT SURE IF THAT IS WHAT I WANTED OR NOT. I DON'T FEEL WHOLE THOUGH......

[m45]

You know any guy that would hit a lady is small in his mind.
That is not cool at all, there is no resaon for it at all.
A man that hits a woman is not really a man, if a woman has pissed off a man enough that he wants to hit her, which happens, it will take a real man NOT to hit her.

Follow what I am saying here?