Jokes

[JimJ]

Loved the funny picture thread so here's one just for jokes, dirty or clean (preferably dirty :D ).

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
-------

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment.
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our
eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens
to sell for cooking. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten chicks.
The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
until they've hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey,
a machine gun, and a machete. "She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten
with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher,
"What kind of moral did your daddy give you
from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
-----------
Ever had any of this happen to you, fellow Pixies members?:D
You know you've had too much holiday cheer when...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10.You complain about the small bathroom after emerging
from the closet.
11.You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12.You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's
at your place.
13.You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14.You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize
you're in front of the hall mirror.
15.You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16.You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18.You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19.You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20.You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21.You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[Lovediva]

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go
at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the
window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the
other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.

During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men. :D :D :D

[Lovediva]

Two elves go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first elf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again.......ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second elf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a
hard on."
The second elf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the bed" :D :D :D

[Sharni]

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraidof spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!


Sharniqua

[Sharni]

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the
Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

<click> <click>

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow job - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered:

"One of them's a cannibal"


Sharniqua

[Sharni]

Eight things you'll never hear a man say :

8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

Eight things you'll never hear a woman say :

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

Sharniqua

[scotzoidman]

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart.

[scotzoidman]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."

With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

[Sharni]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his/her own immediate peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

The guy gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman. He then bends over to her and whispers:

"Here.... Iron this"

Sharniqua

[scotzoidman]

A few days before he had to go to his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really do have to learn to trust me."

[Sharni]

LOL scotz...that was good

When the man first noticed his member was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though his rare condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to lengthen his legs aren't you?"

Sharniqua

[Sharni]

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Sharniqua

[scotzoidman]

Top Ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day"

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Sqat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

AAAANNNND.... the number One thing men would do it they woke up with a vagina for a day
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[Sharni]

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.

The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."

"OK", the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"

The Genie shakes his head and says "LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!"



Sharniqua

[Sharni]

:D:D

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER



NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, linage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required.



=======================================================

Name:___________________________Date of Birth:______________________
Height:____________ Weight:____________ I.Q.___________ GPA:_________
Social Security Number:___________________ Driver's License #:____________
Boy Scout Rank:___________________________________________________
Home Address:____________________________ City:____________________
State:____________________________ Zip Code:_______________________


=======================================================



How far can you run: 40 yards?_______________ 2 miles?___________________
Do you own a? A)Van____ B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ C)Waterbed?_____
Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________
NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8,
discontinue the application process and leave the premises!

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
_________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
_________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
_________________________________________________________________
Church you Attend:___________________ How often do you attend?____________
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone, ever)
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.
A Women's place is in the _________________________.
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.
In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.
My greatest fear is__________________________________________.
When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.
NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B",
discontinue the application process and leave the premises.
Keep your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________
Have you ever been fingerprinted?______ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________
Your dentist is__________________ Emergency phone #_________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT,
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS.
Signature________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write.
(It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.)

[MidnightsBlue]

The Married Man's Score Board

(NOTE: a score of "0" means it was expected of him)

Simple Duties
------------
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It's her father: -10

Social Engagements
------------------
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear: -6
* And you didn't even go to college: -10
* And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
------------
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it's a sports bar: -2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40

Thoughtfulness
----------------------
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out With Your Pals
----------------------------------------
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just the Two of You
-------------------------------------------------
* You go see a comic: +2
* He's crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She's not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25

Driving
----------
* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
----------------------
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

[MidnightsBlue]

Little Johnny II


Little Johnny is in Math class.
The teacher, who is an absolutely stunning brunette in her early 20's, with a schoolgirls uniform on, asks Johnny, "If there are 4 birds on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left?"
Johnny replies "None".
Teacher says "I don't think you understand, If you shoot one of the birds, there will then only be three left"
Johnny replies, "No maam, when you fire the gun, all the birds will leave."
Ths stunning teacher scratches her chin and says to Johnny "I like the way you think"
Johnny then says to the teacher "You're married, can I ask you a question?"
She replies yes. Johnny says "Three women are eating ice cream cones; one is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking on it, which one is married"?
The teacher blushes and says "I suppose it would be the one that is sucking it."
Johnny says "No, actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

[Sharni]

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language..

CONSIDER THIS:

You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains..

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot..

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die..

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away..

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over..

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola..

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits..

There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit..

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan..

You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle..

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit..

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty..

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit..

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit..

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle..

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose..

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation..

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else..

Shit happens, don't step in it...

Sharniqua

[MidnightsBlue]

Everybody who has a dog calls him 'Rover' or 'Spot' I made the mistake of calling mine 'Sex'.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one too!' Then I said, 'But this is for a dog.' He said, 'I don't care what she looks like.' Then I said, 'You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old.' He said, 'You must have been quite a kid.'

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, 'You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me too.'

One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, 'I've come for my dog.' She said, 'Which one, Spot or Rover?' I said, 'What about Sex?' She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in all the wrong places.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, 'Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.' He said, 'What's your point, so did I.' I said, 'But my wife wants to take Sex away.' He said, 'That's what happens in a divorce.'

Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop came over to me and asked, 'What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?' I said I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up on Friday.

[Lovediva]

A newfie calls 911

"Hello, is this the OPP?"

"Yes. What can we do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatric! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the OPP officers descended on Mike's house.

They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The next day the phone rang at Mike's house.

"Hey, Mike! Did the OPP come to your house?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

:D :D :D

[JimJ]

The Versatility of the Word "Fuck"

Famous uses of Fuck

What the fuck was that?
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all these fucking Indians
-- General Custer
Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!
-- Captain of the Titanic
That's not a fucking real gun
-- John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck
-- Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know?
-- President Nixon
Heads are going to fucking roll
-- Henry VIII
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out
-- King Harold
Scattered showers my fucking ass
-- Noah
Where the fuck have you been?
-- Stanley to Livingston
Can you smell fucking gas?
-- Captain of the Hindenburg
Fuck you Brutus!
-- Julius Caeser

It can be used when...

Apathetic
Well who gives a fuck anyway?

Aggressive
Fuck you!

Annoyed
I got fucked at the used car lot.

Confused
What the fuck?

in Denial
I didn't fucking do it.

Directing
Fuck off.

in Disbelief
How the fuck did you do that?

Defiant
The fuck you can!

Derisive
He fucks everything up.

in Despair
Fucked again.

in Difficulty
I can't understand this fucking business.

Dismayed
Oh, fuck it!

Displeased
What the fuck is going on here?

Greeting
How the fuck are you?

Ignorant
Fucked if I know.

indicating Incompetence
He's all fucked up!

in Panic
Let's get the fuck out of here.

Perplexed
I know fuck all about it.

Resigned
Oh fuck it.

Suspicious
Who the fuck are you?

To hell with shit, fuck is the ruler of the english language!
:D

[JimJ]

(I have no clue if this is true or not)

In ancient England people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king (unless they were in the Royal Family ).
When people wanted to have a baby, they had to get the consent of the king, and the king gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex.
The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King ) on it .
Hence that's where the word FUCK came from.
Now, aren't you glad you learned something new today ?

[Oldfart]

Sorry JimJ

The acronym you're quoting is far too modern to be the basis

of the word FUCK. Ancient English was very much like German or

Norse, with short harsh words like Sky, knife, hit and probably

fuck. Well told however.

Just by the way, (setting scene) did you know that may Irish

served with distinction in the Brit forces during WWII.

During the attack on Dieppe, an exercise if futility which cost

thousands of Brit, Canadian and Aussie lives and prisoners, an

Irish Colour Sergeant was captured.

Shortly thereafter two little men in black leather coats came in.

"Vot is your name?" WHACK!!

"Who vas your commander?" WHACK!!

"Vot vere your objectives?" WHACK!!

"Who vere your local contacts?" WHACK!!

"Und please stop hitting me!!"

[Irish]

oldfart---Many are called;but;few are chosen.Must have been one
of those "Orangemen!" Irish

[Lovediva]

The Birds & The Bees

A momma asked her ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong.

"Oh Mom," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex,
I've got nothing left to live for!!!" :D :D

[Lovediva]

Penis Compulsion!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

:D :D :D :D

[JimJ]

Recent studies have shown that women who drink iced tea are twice as likely to get pregnant.
Related studies show that women who drink long island iced tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back of a camaro with sticky hair.:D

[JimJ]

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.
Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse.
The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually.
156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So girls, if you are not getting your half mile every year,
I'm sure there is someone out there that will help ya !!:cool:

[swavedave]

Strip Club

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute....
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

David

[Lovediva]

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's okay, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8 year old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it will grow.
26. Thanks, I need a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is god punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. [#@!$], I hate babysitting.
38. It looks unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbit?
45. Aww, it's hidding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an airpump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people personality.
55. Whee are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[Lovediva]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy
asks, "What are these, Dad?".
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've
heard of that in health class at school." He looks
over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for
Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;" Then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married
men, One for January, one for February, one for March...

[scotzoidman]

You've probably seen these before, but, it makes a nice compilation.

TOP 7 SEX JOKES

#7
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her
breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."

**************************************************
#6
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let
me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
**************************************************
#5
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
**************************************************
#4
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

***************************************************
#3
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

***************************************************
#2
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

****************************************************
#1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

[scotzoidman]

1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

4. A penny saved is a government oversight.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you probably have someone in mind to blame.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

12. Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

15. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.

17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors. . . . but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

20. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

23. If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

27. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

29. We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

30. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color!!

31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today

[Oldfart]

Yep,

Just like ticking off a checklist.

Wish I still had the energy for some of it.

[MilkToast]

Not quite a joke.... and somewhat painful at that.... might even not be true....

_______________________

The Darwin award usually goes to the most unusual death of the year. (It is intended to credit those that do the world a favor by removing themselves from the gene pool). This story was a notable exception!

From the Orlando Sentinel.....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining two were asked to leave the course.

Yes, He survived. Ordinarily this would disqualify him for a Darwin. On the other hand, he did permanently remove his genes from the pool.

[Lovediva]

Three Pints

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He
explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though...." :D :D :p :D :p :) ;):fish:

[Lovediva]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". :D :D :)

[Lovediva]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out
one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he
again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,... don't your
*ears* ever get cold?!?!?":whiteghos :eek: :D :D ;)

[Lovediva]

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at
a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture
depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park
bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a
pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the
Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand
why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the
middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black
penis."

The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one
in the middle went home for lunch." :D :D ;)

[elwood]

Warning

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2
which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as
Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to
run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover
that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to
all my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this
product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst
Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex
Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run.
For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's
memory and could not be deleted, they then re-surfaced months later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and
can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products
have no helpfiles and require you to try and guess the problem yourself.
Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with the
original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro
for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every
other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try,
stating that they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Nova programme it often crashes or runs
the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete
all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Stuart McK.Muirhead,
Special Deputy Sheriff, (Certified),Belmont County,Ohio.

[Oldfart]

Two Irishmen walked into a bar.

One said OUCH!

Go on, beat it, I dare you.

[scotzoidman]

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. (You know, we've all done that). It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the
hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

While relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury
required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green
snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake, but hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.


Time passed -------------

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world
-------

About a year later the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

[Lovediva]

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to
orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,"What?!"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." :D :D :D

[Irish]

A person was told; by his parents;that masturbating would
make him go blind.
He asked his father if he could just do it until he needed glasses. Irish
P.S.Old joke but makes sense.I'll have to tell my eye Dr. that one.
He looks real straight but after he gets to know you;he's just like
anyone else!

[Oldfart]

One of the oldest, but still a goodie.

In their quest to hold their place as the greatest lovers in

the world, the French, among other things, spent nearly

20 million bucks US to determine that the head of the penis

was to enhance the pleasure of the woman.

Not to be outdone, the Italians spent nearly 30 million bucks US

and determined that it was to bring pleasure to the man.

The Aussies, not to be outdone, spent ten bucks for a

Penthouse and worked out it was to stop your hand from

sliding off.

[Lovediva]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, " You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, " Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say....

"Who's horny.....?!!!" and she always acts like she's sound asleep!" :D :D :D

[MilkToast]

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) made the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi) Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount And Do.

Pepsi's cheerful spokesman suggested, "It will now be possible for a man literally to pour himself a stiff one."

[Irish]

I was just watching the"Sopranos"with my wife on HBO.I think
that they are reruns but this struck;my perverted;sense of humor!
Tony Soprano--A rich man and a poor man are talking about their
wives birthday presents.
The rich man says-"I bought my wife a big diamond ring and a
Mercedes car.
The poor man says-"Why both?"
The rich man says-"If she doesn't like the ring;she can return it in
her Mercedes!
The poor man says-"I bought my wife;a pair of slippers and a dildo!"
The rich man says-"Why both?"
The poor man says-"If she doesn't like the slippers;she can go
fuck herself." Irish

[Lovediva]

President George Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency;

Our largest condom factory has exploded," the American President cried. My people's favourite form of birth control!
This is a disaster!"

"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Bush. "could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.

"Oh, and one small favour, please?" said President George.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with
that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.

"I need a favour. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge,
blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in
dia'meter."

"That's easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM." :D :D :D

[Lovediva]

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you
will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the
car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is
sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
NOW YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED! :D :D ;)

[Lovediva]

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "Just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling
was......... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"
:whiteghos :D :D

[Lovediva]

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just
what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over
there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and
holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old
man.

"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking
chair!"

:D :D :D

[Lovediva]

A big woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar, was Boudreaux, a skinny little Cajun, who was VERY drunk. Boudreaux slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give dat ballerina a drink!"

Thibodeaux, the bartender, a close friend of Boudreaux's, poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointed around at all of them, revealing her hairy armpit, and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, Boudreaux slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give dat ballerina anudder drink!"

Thibodeaux, finally approached Boudreaux and asked, "Boudreaux mah frien', I know it's your bidness of course if you want to buy dat lady a drink, but how come ya'll keep callin' her a ballerina?"

Boudreaux replied, "Thibodeaux, to me, any woman who can lift her leg dat high has got to be a ballerina".

:eek: :D :D ;)

[MilkToast]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky"?
Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs"?
The principal's eyes again open wide, and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay"?
Harry: "Okay."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do".
Harry: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first".
(Principal is looking restless and bit tense).
Harry: "Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good".
Harry: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver".
Harry: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of excitement"?
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade---I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[Lovediva]

The Ultimate....
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile
teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word,
smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her
grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,
she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this
woman would want more. She would want to do it again
and again and again............




DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES :D :D :D

[Oldfart]

Yeah.

Nearly put my foot in it.

OF

[sugarfreecandy]

(Originally from my favourite satire site, SatireWire (http://www.satirewire.com)):

THIS JUST IN.

AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) —

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

[scotzoidman]

ROFLMAO
That's too damn funny, SFC... might know they'd park the country upside down after a bender like that... I hope our Ozzy friends appreciate that as much as I did... always felt Oz was what the US would be if we didn't have our puritanical background hangups... last bit about Aust. rules football killed me, we used to laugh about ESPN in the early days carrying it, and nobody watched it here...

[Lovediva]

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE)
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
~54 times the sheets were clean
~7 times it was too late
~49 times you were too tired
~20 times it was too hot
~15 times you pretended to be asleep
~22 times you had a headache
~17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
~16 times you said you were too sore
~12 times it was the wrong time of the month
~19 times you had to get up early
~9 times you said weren't in the mood
~7 times you were sunburned
~6 times you were watching the late show
~5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
~3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
~9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory
because:
~6 times you just laid there
~8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceilin
~4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
~7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
~1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
~5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
~36 times you did not come home at all
~21 times you didn't cum
~33 times you came too soon
~19 times you went soft before you got in
~38 times you worked too late
~10 times you got cramps in your toes
~29 times you had to get up early to play golf
~2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
~4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
~3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
~2 times you had a splinter in your finger
~20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
~6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
~98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball,playing
video games etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said
was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

[Lovediva]

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots
.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat!" :D :D :D ;)

[Lovediva]

...In Newfoundland! :D :D ;)

[Nubian]

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."

[Nubian]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[scotzoidman]

My most favorite awards of all...

THE 2001 DARWIN AWARDS

It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies and Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)
We present the 2001 "Natural Selection" awards:

5th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party, (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from he tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen, you win!

[Lovediva]

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says,
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone."

He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy said, "Five good leads."

[Lovediva]

MENSPEAK (THE LANGUAGE OF MEN)
Translations for What Men Say:

"I'm going fishing."
Means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Means..."Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear."
Means...Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Means..."I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Means..."I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra."

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."
Means..."I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting dear."
Means..."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Means.."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."

"That's women's work."
Means..."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
Means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Means..."What did you catch me at?"

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise
it could be worse."

"You look terrific"
Means..."Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving!"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Means..."I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[Nubian]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll
lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a
hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt
and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and
satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't
be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just
remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

[Nubian]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[Nubian]

Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...


That's it?

Wow - look at all the hair on your back!

Maybe you should start going to the gym more.

That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?

Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?

Wake me when it's over, ok?

I think the condom's too big.

Zzzzzz....

You want me to what?!?

Well, that explains the padded pants.

Did you take out the garbage yet?

My husband's in the Marines.

He's due home any day now.

Is that a toupee?

So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!

No.

Surgery might be able to help.

Not until you've showered.

That must be my mother on the phone.

Your brother's bigger.

Your best friend's better.

Are you done yet?

Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!

Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.

You might want to see a doctor about that.

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

[scotzoidman]

Sorry if this has been posted before, but...here goes...

A new game you can play with your wife... called Rodeo...
You mount her from behind, get a good grip on her, then lean over & whisper in her ear,

"This is how your sister likes it..."





Now try to hang on for 8 seconds...

[Nubian]

Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.

How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!

You must be very experienced.

Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?

Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.

I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.

Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.

Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

I heard carpenters dream about you.

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Look....I can get my whole arm in.

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Is that an optical illusion?

If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.

Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?

Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?

I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

I've been wondering all night what that smell was.

Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

You know they have surgery to fix that.

Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.

Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

You're not **that** fat.

I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.

Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

[Nubian]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."


"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.

[Irish]

Nubian---I heard a joke with the same;basic;punch line.It concerned a guy;who got bit by a rattlesnake;on the head of his
dick.The Dr. told his best friend that he would die if he didn't suck
;the poison;out! Irish

[Nubian]

Talk about testing the limits of friendship. Ouch!:p I wonder what you would do in that situation, Irish?:yellghst:

[Irish]

Nubian---I know what I would do;but I would be without a friend
when I did it.In the old motorcycle brotherhood;you always helped a friend but that goes beyond my definition of help!
Irish

[Nubian]

LMAO. Somehow I knew that would be you answer. He He He.

[scotzoidman]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your grandma's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,"I just did your grandma, and it was sw-eee-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your grandma liked it!"

Finally the guy has had enough and yells, "Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk!"

[Nubian]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.


After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[Nubian]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."


A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."
He makes an eagle.


On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.
Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.


As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[scotzoidman]

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[Nubian]

LMAO

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"


The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"


The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[Nubian]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.


"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop.

[Lovediva]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into
the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looked up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20
years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do" she replied.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"

Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have gotten out today.

:D :D :D ;)

[Lovediva]

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders
that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says. I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy call his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he
says, "but you just won't believe this--they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the
class." ...And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper,like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"

The father says, "Oh, damn; I hope you SHOT that
lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
:D :D

[Nubian]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.

When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
:D :D :D

[Nubian]

A young woman, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

[Lovediva]

A man one day noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer. Needless to say, he was delighted,
as was his wife.
But after several weeks and nearly nine inches of additional length, the man became concerned and the couple went to see a urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple
that, though rare, the man's condition could be cured through
corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" the man's wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well, yes," the wife replied, "You're planning to lengthen his
legs,aren't you?:eek: :D :D :D

[Nubian]

A mother and her son were flying American Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

He said that she had.

So she said, "Tell your mother that AA always pulls out on time."

[Nubian]

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends: buddies for life, eternal bachelors.. until the programmer announces he is getting married.

Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three compadres find out the name and location of the hotel where the programmer will be honeymooning, and bribe the desk clerk to let them in to rig a few 'welcome' surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies in a bar for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.

Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't turn off was a neat trick."

And to the electrician: "And a flickering table lamp with no off switch was cute, too."

Then, shaking a fist at the dentist "But, you! YOU! Novocain in the Vaseline was one cheap shot!"

[Nubian]

The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it.

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"

"Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world.

"All right," says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.

He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. "All right," he says, "if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load."

[Lovediva]

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[Nubian]

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then pushed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow, really hard. When the father blew, the peanut popped out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled with happiness. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!"

[Nubian]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
:D :D :D

[Nubian]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[Lovediva]

I'M
ABOUT
8
INCHES
LONG.


MY FUNCTIONING
IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.


I'M
USUALLY FOUND
HUNG,
DANGLING
LOOSELY,
READY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.


I BOAST
A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE END
AND
SMALL
HOLE AT THE
OTHER.


IN USE,
I'M
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY,
SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST
OPENING.

THERE
I'M
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED
BY SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.


ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN
WILL MOST
SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND,
RESULTING
FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.


WHEN FINALLY
WITHDRAWN,
I LEAVE
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE,
TO MY
FREELY
HANGING
STATE
OF REST,
READY FOR
YET
ANOTHER
BIT OF
ACTION.


HOPEFULLY,
I WILL
REACH MY
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A DAY,
BUT OFTEN
IT IS
MUCH LESS.


WHO AM I ??



AS YOU MAY
HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER
THAN YOUR VERY
OWN....







TOOTHBRUSH !!!!!!!!!!!


What were you thinking? You PERVERT! :D :D :D

[Nubian]

LMAO. I must admit, you got me there for a while.

[Nubian]

One day a man who had a twenty-five inch penis, went to his doctor for help.

The man told the Doctor he's never had a meaningful relationship. Every time he was about to make love and pulled his pant down, every woman would take one look at his twenty-five inches and get scared to death. The man stated: I've heard comments like: "There no way I can take that thing in me" or "you think you're going to tear up my insides." Doc it's terrible. I've tried surgery, steroids restrictive device, I just can't take it anymore. I'm so lonely, help me!!!!

The Doctor said :Sir the penis is almost all nerves, it would be very dangerous to try to remove any length, there's really nothing medical I or anyone can do. To this the man started to cry.

The Doctor felts so bad, he asked the man did he believe in the occult? The man replied: the occult? Yes the Doctor reply and continued: Well what I'm about to tell you, you might think strange, but I heard it could work for problems like yours. Anything, anything said the man with excitement.

Are you familiar with the pond on Old Dutch and Elm? To this the man replied: "yes." Well the Doctor said quietly, if you stand right at the edge of the pond and look across you will see, on the far side of the pond, a Frog sitting on a Lilly pad. If you ask the Frog to marry you and the Frog says "no", you will loose five inches of your penis.

The man quickly while running to the door replied: " I'll try anything.

When the man reached the edge of the pond. He sees the Frog and immediately shouts: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?" To this the frog replies: "no". The man looks down and to his amazement his penis shrinks five inches.

He let's out a large " WAHOOOOOO" and thinks to himself, "five more inches I'll be fifteen inches and almost a normal man size." Again at the top of his lungs he yells to the Frog: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?" the Frog again replies: "no." And again five inches are removed from the mans penis.

The man is ecstatic and again thinks to himself: " Hmmmmmmm five more inches and I'll be ten inches. Bigger than some men but smaller than others. I will be able to lead a normal life, find a wife to love me and no longer have to buy custom underwear. Shouting again, the man asked the frog: " WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

Just as loud the Frog responds: " NO, NO, NO."

[Lovediva]

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death
row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! he was dead.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was
wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those
shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard,
tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied,
"You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

LMAO :D :D :D ;)

[Nubian]

One day, the seven dwarfs are coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiosity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until, finally, one of them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."

This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is with the Prince."
"Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.

Then the dwarf at the top says: "They're kissing."
Again the chain starts:
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're kissing."
"They're ......."

"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off her clothes."
"He's taking off............"

"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both nude now."
"They're both........."

"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to enter her."
"He's about to.........."

At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and she gets up to investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's Coming."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."
"So am I."

[Nubian]

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It's perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds -- do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

[MilkToast]

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village clinic," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn - what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Nothing at all for the sunburn, the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs"

[legend]

here's one similar to Irish's


The father walks into his son's room, only to find him masturbating. The father says "Son, you know if you masturbate too much, you'll go blind."

To which the son replies "I'm over here dad."

[legend]

The husband is lying in bed, when his wife comes in. He passes her a glass of water and an apirin. The wife asks, "What's this for?"
"It's for your headache" he replies.
"But I don't have a headache" she says.
To which the husband replies "Excellent" and turns off the lamp.

[legend]

An old couple go into the doctor's for to discuss a problem. The husband says to the doctor "I want you to watch us having sex and tell us what the problem is." The doctor thinks this is strange, but feels that he should help out. So, the old couple go at it and when they're finished, the husband asks "So doc, what did you think?"
The doctor says "I can't see any problem at all."
The husband says that he thinks that they still have a problem and makes another appointment to see the doc. Again, they go at it and again the doc says that he see nothing wrong. This goes on for some time until finally the doctor says to the couple "Look, I can't see any problem with the way your making love. Why do you keep coming back?"
The husband replies "Well, we can't do it at the home. We can't afford to pay for a motel room and by doing it this way, we get 80% back on Medicare."

[legend]

Q. What did the cannibal do after he ate his wife

A. He dumped her


Here's a joke from my 5 yr old niece:

Q. Why didn't the bunny hop out of the water?

A. Because he had no legs

[scotzoidman]

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger trailer. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> "4"
>
> "5"
>
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

(If I failed to offend anyone, my apologies)

[Lovediva]

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9)She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea..you stand by the ironing Board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, if you get home before I do, leave hallway
Light on

. . . . . . . and the number 1 "He said...She said". . . . . . .

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there. :D :D :D

[Nubian]

Ahmed was a high ranking official in King Akbar's court. However he had one longstanding wish - to suck the queen's voluptuous breasts to his mind's desire. Every time he passed the queen he would get frustrated. He revealed his desire to Birbal one day, and begged him to do something about it. Birbal, after much thought, agreed on the condition that Ahmed could suck the breasts to his desire but later he would have to pay Birbal 1000 gold coins for it. Ahmed agreed.

The next day Birbal prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the queen's bra while she was taking a bath. Soon the itching started and grew in intensity much to the king's anxiety. Consultations with doctors and Birbal revealed that a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Birbal also added that such a saliva was only in Ahmed's mouth. Akbar summoned Ahmed and for the next 4 hours Ahmed violently sucked the queen's breasts. Licking, biting, pressing, playing he got what he always desired.

Satisfied he returned back and met Birbal, but in his lust and since his mission was over he refused to pay Birbal anything and in fact he shooed him away. Ahmed of course knew that Birbal could never report this matter to the emperor. But Ahmed had underestimated Birbal.

Next day Birbal duly put that lotion in emperor Akbar underwear"!!!!

Ahmed was called promptly by the emperor again.

[Nubian]

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied,

"You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

[Nubian]

Before leaving the house this morning, a man left this letter for his wife.

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to earn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I'll be home before midnight and will see you then.
Your Husband

When the Husband arrived at the hotel, there was this faxed letter waiting for him:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will also be at the Grand Hotel --- with our 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife

[Oldfart]

A pilot said to a hostie ,"You've got to help me, I'm going out

of my mind! I haven't had sex since 1958.""

Hostie says, "Oooh, let me help you."

After passionate sex, he gets up to leave.

"Shit," he says "I'm late!! It's 2230."

[Oldfart]

Q How does a Priest get a Nun pregnant?































A. Pretends she's an Altar Boy.

[Nubian]

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.

So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

[Nubian]

A nun dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question.

"What," asks St. Peter," were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?"

"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one."

"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide.

[blk cat]

Q- Why don't single women pass wind {f--t]

A- it's because they don't get an a---hole untill they get married

Did you hear about the two pregnant nuns singing
Bennidictus

[Nubian]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the Princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought... I don't fucking think so.....

[blk cat]

For Jim,
Re History "FUCK"

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge.

English Eighteenth Century Crime.?


Did you hear about the Dyslectic ? Agnostic Insomniac that
was awake all night wondering if there was a really was a dog

[Nubian]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.

The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself.

Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[Oldfart]

Ancient Nun, about to go to God, is asked by her Sisters

who, if she had the chance, she would like to be.

She thought for a long time and said, in a quiet voice,

"Sarah Pippelini".

The Sisters had no idea, and asked her who Sarah was.

She showed them the local Newspaper.

The Sisters broke into laughter.

The headline read "Sahara Pipeline laid by 20,000 workers

in 17 days."

[Nubian]

10.) Mind if I use your laptop?
9.) Just stick it in my box.
8.) You're getting too soft.
7.) If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6.) I want it on my desk, NOW!
5.) Hmmmmmmm.... I think it's out of fluid!
4.) Her equipment is so old, the end result is always unsatisfactory.
3.) It's an entry-level position.
2.) When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1.) It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there...

[Nubian]

10.) Have you checked out her briefs?
9.) He is one hard judge!
8.) Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7.) His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.) Is it a penal offense?
5.) Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.) For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3.) Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.) The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1.) Think you can get me off?

[Nubian]

10.) Nuts... My shaft is bent.
9.) After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8.) You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7.) Look at the size of his putter.
6.) Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5.) Mind if I join your threesome?
4.) Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3.) My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2.) Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
1.) Hold on... I need to wash my balls first!

[MilkToast]

this one hit my inbox today... I had some chuckles because of it...
-NY

___________________
Word Play

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons

[Nubian]

Well wrought puns. Had a chuckle or two myself.

[Lovediva]

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


:D :D :D

[sugarfreecandy]

NY, great puns! A friend of mine passed this on a while back --- if you like word play, this is hilarious! BTW, Diva, loved the 'proverbs'!

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:

FLABBERGASTED (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
ABDICATE (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
CARCINOMA (n.): a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
ESPLANADE (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
WILLY-NILLY (adj.): impotent
NEGLIGENT (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightie.
LYMPH (v.): to walk with a lisp.
GARGOYLE (n.): an olive-flavored mouthwash.
BUSTARD (n.): a very rude Metrobus driver.
COFFEE (n.): a person who is coughed upon.
FLATULENCE (n.): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
BALDERDASH (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
TESTICLE (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
SEMANTICS (n.): pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,
including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book
together just before vespers.
RECTITUDE (n.): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
MARIONETTES (n.): residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the
mayor.
OYSTER (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
CIRCUMVENT (n.): the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
FRISBATARIANISM (n.): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who
doesn't get it.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.
KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious
bummer.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
And...
IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[Aqua]

That's it Sweetstuff, I'm jumping in my ROTFLMAO 2500 and puttin' the metal to the pedal and the thing to the floor!
That was to funny! ;)

[sugarfreecandy]

[size=1]Diva's proverbs made me think of these...[/i]

BUMPER STICKERS:

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

[MilkToast]

I don't think I posted this one before... but it might already be here anyways... I'm rooting through my inbox (cleaning time) and came across this one...

-NY

_____________

1) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2) Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??

3) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one actually enjoys it??

4) There are 3 religious truths: 1-Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the Messiah, 2-Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith, 3-Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

5) Why do we say something is out of whack?? What's a whack??

6) If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??

7) Why is the man who invests your money called a broker??

8) Why do croutons come in airtight packages?? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with??

9) If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked & dry cleaners depressed??

10) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

11) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men??

12) If American mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
& forks, ever wonder what Chinese mothers use?? Toothpicks??

13) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?? What are we supposed to do, write to them?? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail??

14) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for??

15) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!!

[sugarfreecandy]

I don't mean any offense to anyone by this... See how many mangled lines you can recognize!

Excerpts from the Alabama Shakespeare Festival
________________________________________________

Ta shewt er nawt ta shewt, heck ain't that a doozy? Yee-HAW!

Billy Bob, Billy Bob, where y'all at, Billy Bob?

A gun rack, a gun rack, my double-wide for a gun rack!

Tamarra, tamarra, and tamarra...why, that's three days from now!

Alas, poor Bubba....him and me usta go huntin'.

The first thang we do is kill all the lawyers...and then them there revenuers.

Out, out, damned spot! Git yer sorry ass outside, dawg!

That which we call a beer would taste jest as good if'n we called it sumthin' else....

Full of sound and fury, don't mean shit.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd... can you imagine what size colander they'd need?

Aw, whut laht is that in that winder yunder? It's Juliet! She's on fahr!

Neether a deadbeat nor one'a them there loansharks be, for yeh kin kiss your cash goodbye 'long wit the deadbeat ya loaned it to, and bein' a deadbeat takes tha edge offa yer homesteadin'.

Get y'all to a nunnery. Yer already mah sister.

Once more, into the breach...cain't shewt if'n they ain't no bullets in it.

Hey there, whut light on yonder winder breaks? "It's jest the moon, Sis."

Now it's winter on dis continent, with a glorious hummer and a ton of pork.

"I kin call forth beasts from the vasty deep!" "Bulll-sheeit. So could I, but I don't see 'em comin' when yew call."

Alas, poor Yorick... damn varmint done kicked th' bucket!

Is this a dagger I see before me? Hell naw, It's just a cow.

What's a movable? A joint stool. Go milk the damn cow, Bubba.

Till Dunsinane come to Birmin'ham Wood, whereupon we all had fun drinkin beer and shewtin' possum.

What light thru that there winder breaks, it's my pick-up, and that's my deer spottin' light.

Double, double, tawl and trouble, fahr burn and stew-pot bubble.....in
them p'ison'd roadkill throw....

Sheeeit. You, too, Brutus? Then keel over, Caesar!

Et tu Billy bob?

I come not to praise Ceasar, but to bury the sum-beeitch.

Double, double, toil 'n' trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble,
goddammit, the still's overflowed again!

Ain't as wide as a church door, Nor deep as a well, but it sho' 'nuff
hurts like hell!

Sumpin's rotten in the state of Denmark...sheeit, sumpin in this fridge smells.

Art thou ma daddy's ghost? Hell, naw! He's just passed out on the couch again.

What's in a name? Hell, if'n I could read, I could tell y'all.

To be or not to be. Whut was the question again?

Romeo and Juliet: A family reunion.

A CURSE ON BOTH YOUR TRAILERS!!

[scotzoidman]

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.

The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Massachusetts.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "It's a cold day in hell, the Patriots must have won the Super Bowl!".

[Irish]

LoveDiva4u---Pantyfanatic doesn't agree with #11 on your list!
Irish
P.S.It's a good thing that I'm male.I ran out of fingers at 10 !

[Nubian]

My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

[Nubian]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.

So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F***ING DISHES!!"

[scotzoidman]

I was a lot like you: carefree, happy and blissful. This was before my life took a tragic turn, a turn which I sense you are on the verge of taking. There is no help for me, unfortunately, but perhaps my story will prevent you from falling into the abyss into which I have been thrown.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties, now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone. To relax, I told myself, even though I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally, I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What IS it exactly we are doing here?".

Things weren't going so great at home, either. One evening I had turned off the TV, and asked my wife "What is the meaning of life?". She spent the night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day, the boss called me in and said "Greg, I like you and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job". This gave me a lot to think about!

I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking".

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce."

"But honey, surely it's not that serious!"

"It is serious", she said, her lower lip quivering. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money. So if you keep thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism!" I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library", I snarled, and stomped out the door. I headed out to the library in the mood for some Nitzche and NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed! To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathrustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stop thinking.

[Nubian]

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.

"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure", responded Bob, "how many ducks are there boy?". The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.

"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.

Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said "You are such a fool."

Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.

"Well, shit" Bill said, "this dog is useless." Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT ! That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a f***ing stick at."

[Nubian]

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

[Nubian]

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys said, "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah," said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I shot him," said the guy.

"Why?"

"I caught him in bed with my board."

[Nubian]

A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.

The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. He says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock." His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen." His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. The Mercedes is from your mother."

[Nubian]

Dear Mother,

I am writing to inform you of how much I enjoyed my WIRELESS HONEYMOON. As soon as we arrived at our hotel, he insisted on seeing my receiving set, and naturally I agreed, for now he has a license.

He soon had my set uncovered and spend some time examining it carefully. My two large condensers pleased him immediately and he was soon manipulating them with the ease of an expert.

Obviously satisfied that my socket was in order, he got his aerial and had it erected, I was pleased to see that his twin accumulators were fully charged. He had quite a job getting his aerial filtered at first as he had it insulated with rubber. I suggested taking the rubber off to ensure complete contact, and having done so he plugged in again and turning his knob, a perfect contact was made inside my set.

He was careful at first as he played due to the resistance of my new receiver but soon the high tension increased and his aerial began to oscillate. My receiver warmed up and the signal to cover through. He manipulated the condensers again and extended the volume. Suddenly, I noted the atmosphere on my set and without warning massive fluid came through and fortunately the action caused his aerial to sag and his accumulators were run down. So, he was obliged to disconnect.

It seemed pity that our evening's entertainment had to be curtailed, but as he said my receiver would become adjusted to his aerial once he had learnt to control the high tension, perfect reception could be ensured over a long period. He said he was surprised to find my receiver new as he was under the impression that it had been in use with some other aerials.

I should like to have a longer aerial, for I feel sure if he could get an inch or more longer, we would have enough volume to get a loud speaker. He agreed with me but he thought regular use should stretch it sufficiently.

Well, Mother, I shall have to close now as he has been doing my condensers while I have been writing. He has already uncovered my receiver and his aerial is erected and I cannot write very well once he had got it plugged in.

I will write to you tomorrow and let you know what reception is like tonight. He did say that he is going to try my receiver in a different position.

Your loving daughter......

[Lovediva]

If you think life is
bad.....



How would you like
to be an egg?





You only get laid
once.





You only get eaten
once.





It takes four minutes
to get hard.





Only two minutes to
get soft.





You share your box
with 11 other guys





But worst of all..





the only chick that
ever sat on your face
was your mother!!!

:D :D :D

[scotzoidman]

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they'd all say.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass."

[scotzoidman]

FARMER BLUES

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....


Some things you just can't explain.

[scotzoidman]

- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.

- My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

[mindboxer505]

This prostitute goes up to a guy and says ''how would ya like to come over to my place and party??!!!''
the man says , ''how much is this gonna cost me??''
the pro says ''five hundred dollars''!!
''FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!''he yells,''What do i get for five hundred dollars?''
''well first you take of your coat , and '''jack et'' she replies.
''I'd rather do it my way'', says he
''Whats that'', says she
''Well first i'm gonna tie ya to the bed.....then i'm gonna get a loooong stick...and i'm gonna start beating on ya... and beating on ya... and beating on ya........ and beating on......
''HEY!!!!'' she exclaims,''JUST HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BEAT ON
ME?!?!?!?!?
''TIL YOU GIVE BACK MY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS !!!!!''HE SCREAMS!!:D :D :D

[Nubian]

A man walked into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approached another man and asked, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow was embarrassed, but felt sorry for the stranger, who appeared to be crippled. He thought how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complied, unzip-ping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asked him to hold his penis while he peed. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he was asked.

Finally, the first guy finished, and the second man started to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man said, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

[Nubian]

Pink Pussycat Boutique

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

" What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

" None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.

" Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. " The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

[Nubian]

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male Flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

[scotzoidman]

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow.

Old man says, "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."!

[Nubian]

LMAO...that was a good one.

[Nubian]

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a pee yesterday, I came three times."...

[Nubian]

In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather miniskirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

[scotzoidman]

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[Nubian]

God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, "Adam, come over here and sit down!". And Adam did so.

"Adam," spoke the Creator, "I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely."

Adam said nothing in response.

"So," continued the Lord, "I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!"

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

"This person," said the Lord, "will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes."

Adam looked grateful.

"This person, "said the Lord, "will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks."

Adam looked thoughtful.

"This person," emphasized the Lord, "will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!"

Adam really looked relieved.

"And, lastly," said the Lord, "She will obey your every whim, desire and order with cheerfulness."

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

"O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?"

"An arm and a leg," said the Almighty.

"Well," Adam then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

[Nubian]

So there was this engineer, on a cruise ship in the tropics for the first time. He was being waited on hand an foot, having the time of his life... But, it did not last. A typhoon came up suddenly. The ship went down almost instantly.

When he came to, he found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for signs of a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months.

She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides came from a cypress tree".

"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did..."

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed."

"I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and at the end of which there stood a lovely bungalow painted in sky blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?" "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I think I'll be sick."

"It won't be plain coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a small still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to chat.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

So, our enthralled engineer, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a sharp edge. He shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of hybiscus and violets.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

"Oh yes! There is," the man replied," as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her,

"Tell me... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

[Irish]

Nubian---The way that I heard that mens room joke was that the
man doing the holding said:That's too bad;Korea?
The other man,shook his hands out of his sleeves and said:No;
Gonorrhea;I wouldn't touch that with a stick!
In the other one;the flight attendant;was cool.I always said:Go out of your way to be nice to people.After that;if they're still assholes;prepare for the consequences! Irish
P.S.Thought you might get a kick out of the way that I heard that;
years ago.

[Nubian]

I certainly did; especially since I've only heard the latter variation. Thanks Irish.

Originally posted by Irish

P.S.Thought you might get a kick out of the way that I heard that;
years ago.

[Nubian]

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?"

The Doctor was in a good mood so he thought he might have a little fun, so he replied.

"Well, the child was born without a penis."

"Oh my goodness!"

"But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."

[scotzoidman]

Guy goes to see his urologist and says, "Doc, my 'thing' is orange."

Doc looks at it and scratches his head. "Got any family history that would account for this?", he asks.

"No", says the patient.

"Do you work with chemicals?"

"No", says the patient, "I don't work".

Doc says, "Do you have any hobbies that use chemicals?"

"No", says the patient. I don't do much anything except sit around watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos.

[Nubian]

On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, "Get weighed."

So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said.

So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Diana's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Diana replied.

[Nubian]

Please do not let this upset you too much.

Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny.

He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

"What a way to GO !"

[MilkToast]

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go f*** yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

[MilkToast]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of
the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Nubian]

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb.

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

[Nubian]

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned.

"From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

[blk cat]

Lady in a carpet store bends over to inspect a persian rug,
as she does so,she passes wind.feeling very embarrassed
she stands back up hoping no one heard.but there right
be side her stands a salesman,may i help you he ask's
i was wondering about the price of this rug,she replies,
well ,he say's,if touching it makes you fart,you a going to
shit yourself,when i tell you the price.

[Nubian]

A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he laid off one of his employees.

He looked in his files and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the other named Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired. About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler.

He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, "Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I'm going to lay you or Jack off."

Jill looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have to jack off. I have a headache."

[Nubian]

How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working

- At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.

- Your face is very pale due to lack of blood.

- When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod."

- You begin to think your mother in law is pretty.

- Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it.

- Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial.

- Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line...

- Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar.

- You always lose limbo contests.

- Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.

- You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick.

- You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan.

[Nubian]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[legend]

Nubian....LMAO


Q What is making love?


A It's what your girlfriend's doing while your screwing her brains out.

[Nubian]

..(This, of course, excludes the men here at Pixies :D )

1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for awhile.

3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't important, sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I'm sick of blow-jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?

[Nubian]

One day a son asked his father to explain what politics was.

DAD, "Well son, let us take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let us call me the Management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we will call her the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let us call you the People. We will call the maid the Working class and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand politics then?"

SON, "I am not really sure dad, but I will think about it."

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother crying, so he went to see what was wrong. He discovered that the baby had heavily soiled his nappy. The son went to his parents room and found his mother asleep. He then went to the maids room where, peeping through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. He tried to knock but his knock went totally unheard. He then decided to go back to his room and slept.

The next morning he went to his father and said he finally understood what politics was.

[Irish]

Nubian---My wife loved your thread on--7things that Men won't
say. Irish

[Oldfart]

Morning after a party, two female flatmates are talking.

One says, "My mouth tastes like the bottom of a bird-cage."

Her friend says "No wonder, you had a cock or two in there

last night."

[Nubian]

LOL...Please relay my thanks.



Originally posted by Irish
Nubian---My wife loved your thread on--7things that Men won't
say. Irish

[Nubian]

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

[Nubian]

Some may have been repeated here already...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhh, its cute
3. Why don't we just cuddle
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it.
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's ok we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no...a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you.
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me.
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you should judge people on their personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

[Oldfart]

What do you call an epileptic man in a pile of leaves?

Russell

[Oldfart]

What do you call a man with no arms in a swimming pool?

Bob

[legend]

What do u call a man with a shovel in his head?

Doug



What do u call a man without a shovel in his head?

Douglas

[Oldfart]

What do you call a man with a spade stuck in his head?

Doug.

[Oldfart]

What do you call a man with a trowel in his head?

Douglas

[legend]

beat ya to it OF....sorry :(

[Oldfart]

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your doorstep?

Matt

[Oldfart]

Sorry bloke, missed them.

[Irish]

Nubian---As an aside;this strikes me funny and brings back funny
memories.Regarding your thread 30 Harsh things a woman can
say----.It brings back a memory to me that she would deny--Straight front--Accountant,Bookkeeper,business professional,etc.
Is completely different with me.
I used to lie on the bed with an erection(hard-on)pointing up
my stomach.She would ask me to make it twitch and jump.I could
do this easily by tightening my stomach or groin muscles!
That's the first thing that I thought of when I read #5. Irish
P.S.It's funny that you remember; the things; that you do!I'm
talking about my wife.I always compared our relationship to a
magnet.Likes repell and unlikes attract.I was wild and she was straight acting!

[Nubian]

LOL and LMAO. You're one of a kind Irish, one of a kind.

[Nubian]

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come
off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon
as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Irish]

Nubian---You must be right when you say that I am one of a kind!
My wife and daughters agree with you.They always told me that after they made me that they broke the mold.One of the rules for
daughters boyfriends that you forgot is to show them your gun
collection and explain to them that you shoot-"Expert"I used to
delight in showing them my new stainless 44Mag. Redhawk that
I had accurised and explain to them that was what I used when
I competed in Handgun Competions.They treated my daughters
very well after that speech. Irish

[Nubian]

Irish, I must keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be handy someday.

[Nubian]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO Prostitutes - $50.00"

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the cop: "how come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[Lovediva]

The Heights Of Ecstasy...



The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Av'ave finished making ze love to ze girlfriend, Ah kiss way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure exstasy."

The Newfie says, "Dat's nuttin bye! When I finish doin me missus, I gets out of bed, walks over to da window and wipes me dick on the curtains.She hits da fuckin' roof every time." :D :D :D

[Nubian]

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree.

She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?" "Male," she replies. "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

[Lovediva]

Subject: raise request...

"REQUEST FOR A RAISE"

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

-I do physical labour
-I work at great depths
-I plunge head first into everything I do
-I do not get weekends off or public holidays
-I work in a damp environment
-I don't get paid overtime
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
-I work in high temperatures
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Signed,
Penis

****************************************************
Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
-You do not always follow the orders of the management team
-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
-You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
-You'll retire well before reaching 65
-You're unable to work double shifts
-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
-Your frequently sick on the job
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,
TheManagement

[Nubian]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Wine & Dine her
Buy things for her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

[Nubian]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow, the horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving his friend from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!". Grab my thingy and pull yourself up". The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If your hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Irish]

LoveDiva4u---When the penis requested a raise in salary;he forgot to mention that he was constantly abused.His boss;beats
him all the time!You'ld love the T'shirt that my youngest daughter
gave me.It has multiple penis's on it.Each one has a saying;like
my closest neighbors are nuts.My other neighbor is an asshole,my
owner beats me all of the time,the rest of the time;I just hang
around,etc. Irish
P.S.It made a big hit with management when I wore it to work!
It also gets noticed at Wal*Mart.

[Nubian]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[Nubian]

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[sugarfreecandy]

Welcome to student life...

Departmental Grading

This is a list of the ways that my professors grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
-10 pounds - F

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative. but... All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See above.

Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See above.

Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See above.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class
struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal
product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.

Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but... YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

[Nubian]

While vacationing in the country, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.

He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.

He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

[Nubian]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[Sharni]

:D

Of Course I Love You Darling
Your a bloody top notch bird
And when I say ur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when i'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arm around there

No sheila that is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me Nannas grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what ya look like
I'll aways love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer!!

Author Unknown

[legend]

there's something so great about aussie humour isn't there :D :D :D

[Irish]

Sharni---Sounds almost like the Fosters ads that are on TV all the
time.Some of there definitions really crack me up. Irish

[legend]

Q. What do u call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A. A stick

[Nubian]

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you'll stop right away, and second," she insisted. "You must promise we won't go past my mother's."

[Nubian]

A doctor made a house call on an elderly lady.

She was sprightly and healthy, and he remarked on her good condition.

"Have you ever been bedridden?" he asked.

"Oh my, yes," she said. "Several times, and twice in a buggy."

[Nubian]

Two two-bit thieves decided to rob a bank together.

The first robber, we'll call #1, plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second robber, #2, in great detail.

The robbery begins. #1 drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to #2, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said #2.

#2 goes in the bank while #1 waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and #1 is stressed out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes #2, with the safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time #2 gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the robbers are getting away, #1 says "You are such a idiot! I thought you understood the plan!"

#2 said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said #1. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[Lovediva]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times." :D :D :D

[Lovediva]

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his
dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.

"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's
because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on
your lap!":eek: :whiteghos :D :D

[Nubian]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[Nubian]

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breath?"

Again she shakes her head 'no.'

The Texan grabs her around the waist with One of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom!

Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge.

The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"

[Nubian]

In England from an actual trial:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling".

"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

[legend]

There's a brothel up on a hill - the kind that has red lights outside. There are four men near the brothel - one is running up the hill, another is walking down the hill, one is inside the place and another is in a helicopter hovering above. What is the nationalities of the four men?


The man walking down the hill - he's Finnish
The man running up the hill - he's Russian
The man inside the brothel - Himalayan
and the man in the helicopter - well he's Irish....and he's waiting for the light's to change.

[sugarfreecandy]

Spellbound

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks for my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I’ve run this poem threw it,
I’m sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

[sugarfreecandy]

Chauvinism, as defined by Charlie Farquharson (a.k.a. Canadian comedian Don Harron):

"I’m not one of yer Showviznist mailprigs. Yer showviznist is sumbuddy hoo thinks HARASS is two seprit words."

[sugarfreecandy]

No offense to anyone particularly religious. I am a religious studies major and I thought this was hilarious...

Questionnaire from God

Your God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Paul Iannone)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo that's full of Jews)
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to tee off parents
__ Couldn't see why Geraldo should exist
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Scatological material was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it.

5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ CompuServe
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other:_____________________
__ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters:

flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles:

rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^9 , depending on number of beings entered).

[legend]

here's one

three nuns had died and were waiting at the pearly gates to be let into heaven. St Peter greeted them and explained to them that before they could enter, they first had to answer a question correctly.

St Peter says to the first nun "How many apostles were there?"
The nun replies "Oh my, that's an easy one. Twelve". Trumpets sounded, angels floated about, the gates opened and she was let into heaven.

To the second nun "Who was Mary's husband?"
To which the second nun say "Oh my, that's an easy one. It was Joseph." Trumpets sounded, angels floated about, the gates opened and she was let into heaven.

Finally, St Peter asks the third nun "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun says "Oh my, that's a hard one...." Trumpets sounded, angels floated about....

[sugarfreecandy]

My favourite fairy tale from when I was little... Always did 'gove a lood stove lory'. :D You have to read this one aloud to get the full effect.

Rindercella

Time upon a once in a coreign fountry, there lived a geautiful birl, and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her mugly uother and her two sad blisters.

Also, in this same coreign fountry, there was a very Prandsome Hince. And this Prandsome Hince was going to have a bancy fall. He invited people from riles amound, especially the pich reople.

Now Rindercella's mugly uother and her two sad blisters went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall, but Rindercella couldn't, so she just cat down and shried. She was kitting there shrying when all at once there appeared her gairy mudfather.

Her gairy mudfather touched her with a wagic mand and there appeared before her a cig boach and hix site whorses to take her to the bancy fall. But the gairy mudfather said, "Be sure and be home before midclock strikes night or I'll purn you into a tumpkin."

When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, the Prandsome Hince met her at the door because he had been watching behind a widden hindow. Rindercella and the Prandsome Hince nanced all dight until nidmight and they lell in fove. Finally the midclock struck night and Rindercella stanced down the rairs. Just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.

The dext nay the Prandsome Hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. He tried the dripper on her mugly uother and it fidn't dit. He tried it on her two sad blisters and it fidn't dit. Finally, he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit! It was exactly the sight rise!

So they were married and lived hervily after happer.

How the storal of the mory is this. If you ever go to a bancy fall, and you want to have a Prandsome Hince lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper.

[legend]

LOL....i heard a person read that out once and he was so good at it too

[Oldfart]

Think that was Victor Borge, brilliant and sadly missed.

Loved his inflation skit, about Don Two (Don Juan inflated)

[Sharni]

Scorekeeping for Couples

Simple Duties

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons

You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30
You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals

You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You

You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes,
without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

[Sharni]

The Shit List

GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the it come out, but there's none in the toilet.

CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you know its out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're all done and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to do some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG SHIT: This is the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S SHIT: This is the kind that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN SHIT: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS SHIT (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING SHIT: This one refuses to drop in the toilet even though you have done it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- it isnt a fart

[Sharni]

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats ... they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me, I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I souport publik edukashun"

[legend]

lol...i know of a dancer named Tiffany and i think she has implants too. not a college friend though....damn :D

[scotzoidman]

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
-- Will Rogers

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
-- M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
-- Sigmund Freud

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
-- Anonymous

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
-- Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
-- Unknown

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
-- Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

[Nubian]

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her: Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob ?

What ? You're crazy ???!!!

Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem

No !! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor...

At this time of the night no one will show up..

I've already said NO, and NO.

Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too..

NO !!! I've said NO !!!

My love.. don't be like that..

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says: Dad says for you to blow him, or that I can blow him, or he will come down and blow himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off The intercom.

[Nubian]

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied "We don't have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

[Nubian]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. She will not let him do much....

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

[Oldfart]

Worst taste joke in the world at the moment.

What goes stiff after 4 strokes?







































Princess Margaret

[legend]

that is bad OF :)

[sugarfreecandy]

The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians were humanoid and not much different from their Neighbors on Earth.

The Expedition personnel -- 4 males and one female spent the first few days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of course, the subject of procreation was raised.

The Martians took their guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said one of the Martians, adjusting various controls. "I think we should make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy".

He checked his settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view.

Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to show you how it is done".

The lady astronaut was more than willing and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected.

"Oh sorry," said the leader. "It takes nine months".

"Nine months!" exclaimed the Martian. "Well, why all the hurry at the end?"

[sugarfreecandy]

(Long, but definitely worth the read..)


Don't forget to read the "Fine Print"!

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:
===========================
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures
will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2) INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arrange the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)

3) DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty(30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".

4) TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5) DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from theirvocabularies. 6) Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.

6) TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke, or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7) LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8) THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".

9) THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone".

10) GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
A) Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend.
B) Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing"
C) Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek "help"
D) Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."

11) DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My analyst thinks you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)

12) MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks". Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to waitat least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right." "He/she wanted more than I could give." "He/she was too involved in his/her career." "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/ hometown/therapist."

13) ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

[sugarfreecandy]

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes."

2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide."

3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?"

4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em!"

8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[sugarfreecandy]

Cleaning out my inbox again...

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:

"This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated:

"This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:

"This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[sugarfreecandy]

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

"My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to
deliver.

"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do
it.

"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.......God I miss him!

"So now I have married a lawyer---- I know I'm going to get screwed."

[sugarfreecandy]

Our New Corporate Travel Policy
____________________________________

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:

Lodging
----------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
----------------
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
-------
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sam's Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.

Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
---------------
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.

[sugarfreecandy]

Last one for tonight...

THE BEER AND ICE CREAM DIET
(Also called Thermodynamics to the Rescue)
===============================================

OK....here's the ultimate diet for you Beer and Ice Cream fans:

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories(1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect.

But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

[Lovediva]

A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear
she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her
legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.

"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried
about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said,
"Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she
replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend
that her earrings aren't real gold." :gld: :D :D :D :)

[legend]

ha bloody ha Diva :p

PS - I've never had physics explained that way before

[scotzoidman]

Also, something offend everybody in our international family here, if anybody is not offended, my apologies ... ;)

Beijing (AAP) - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his in State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rowanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

[Oldfart]

Top 27 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable...... time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

[Sharni]

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the wrong shit, the right shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit.
And other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like roses.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else..

[Sharni]

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we are aiming for.
Sometimes i go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around: just so i'll make sure i hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into the bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because i forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and i have become good friends and you think i'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded 'morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penisso hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get the thing to bend, and if it dont bend you can't aim it, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use one of those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and i know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy thing starts to decompress and without warning that damn seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift the toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her....look it won't bend. She said "sit down like i told you to do all the rest of the time" OK, i tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood"
Well, it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before i can manage it, i have pissed all over the bath towels on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you get it forced under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature....there wouldn't have been a problem???

[Sharni]

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Does 'vigin wool' come from sheep the shepard hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a smurf, what color does he turn?
Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If 7-11 is open 24hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied a buttered piece of toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put braille on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

[danziggy]

What is the defination of a sandstorm?????

An elephant farting in a biscuit tin.

[Sharni]

The FEMALE always makes THE RULES

THE RULES are subject to change at anytime without prior notice

No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES

If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all THE RULES she must immediately change some or all THE RULES

The FEMALE is never wrong

If the FEMALE is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE said or did

The MALE must apologise for causing said misunderstanding

The MALE is always wrong

The MALE maybe right if he agrees with the FEMALE unless she wants him to disagree

The FEMALE may change her mind at any time

The MALE may never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE

The FEMALE has the right to be angry or upset at any time

The MALE must remain calm at all times unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset

The FEMALE must under no cicumstances let the MALE know wether she wants him to be angry and/or upset

The MALE is expected to mind read at all times

[desmond_25]

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
>A guy walks in and asks the barman: "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
>The barman says: "Yep, thats them."
>So the guy walks over and says: "Hello, what are u guys doing?"
>And Bush says: "We're planning world war 3."
>And the guy says: "Really? What's going to happen?"
>And Bush says: "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
>And the guy exclaims: "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
>So, Bush turns to Powell and says: "See? I told you no-one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

One Sardar was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Sardar answered, " No, I am Banta Singh."

Another guy came and asked him the same question. Sardar answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again. Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Sardar soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

The Sardar slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are here ?!"



*********************************************************

Wedding Night
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin
bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great
anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend
it, and for how long?"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@2
New Shoes
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that
she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could
satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and
out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment
from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the
streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an
unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her
eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him,
and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of
abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already
gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note
that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out
and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're the First
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says," Doc, I'm getting married this weekend
and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin. Is their anything you
can do to help me?"

The doctor says" Medically, no, but here's something you
can try. On the wedding nite, when your getting ready for
bed, take an elastic band and slide it up to your upper
thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic
band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will
fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire
to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in
the bathroom, slips the elastic up her leg, finishes
preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things
begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks " what was that?"

The wife explains," oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping." The husband cries out " WELL SNAP
IT AGAIN, IT'S GOT MY BALLS!!!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Oops
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight
up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled
over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny
husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make
love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat,
he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife
pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just
making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache.
I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk
for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
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Quickie
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off
a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the
balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car being
towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance
just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the
Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and
Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the
startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on
the balcony too," his son replied

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Doctor, Doctor.....
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The
doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism
went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed
the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her,
"Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the
doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know
what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I
came here in the first place."


**********************888
After the Lovin'
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not
yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm
lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to
the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on
her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did
my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" The
woman gets up and enters the man's bed.

The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot
on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his
shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."



************************
Getting Even
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Um, Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks
over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do
you mean $200?"

##################################

Bragging Rights
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan
on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men
began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the
Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious
crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the
Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did
she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."


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[Sharni]

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory that made "Tickle Me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed.

On Monday they started up the line and within 20min had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing walnuts in the appropriate places on the dolls.

The boss could not stop laughing and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two---Test---Tickles."