Bitter up to here

[rzande1]

Ok does anyone have any ideas on how to loose this total bitterness I have with women. My first relationship was a total disaster. Like 20 train wrecks occuring all at once hitting from all directions. I just absolutely refuse to even bother to try anymore so I have been single for a year and four months. I automatically assume that it will just blow up in my face. Including just saying hi. Every woman I see is a potential enemy. I swear this whole dating game is bull. I cannot win and am at the point that I should just not try and be alone for all eternity. AHHH!!!!!!! *screams out loud and kicks whatever is in the way*

[Mercury_Maniac]

Holy Crap dude.

what can i say i feel the same way.

[Lilith]

Just a simple question....

With that attitude and the way you feel would you be attracted/drawn to you?

Only you can decide to not be like that. It is your choice to be bitter.

[Loulabelle]

Well said Lil!

There are plenty of women out there who've had disastrous relationships, and been hurt by men, but if we let it make us bitter, we're slated for it and told we have 'baggage'. Hence we've learned to move on and not 'go on' about it as it's a complete turn off to men and our friends don't want to hear us whinge about it.

So you got hurt by a woman? You need to get over it, learn from the mistakes YOU made (as it's never a one sided thing) and stop punishing the entire of the female gender for the actions of one woman.

And by the way, is the prospect of being alone for eternity so bad? What's so wrong with you, that you can't stand your own company? I think you need to reach a place emotionally, where you like yourself and the prospect of being alone forever doesn't fill you with despair. It's at this point that you're likely to find that the world opens up to you.

[Oldfart]

Loulabelle's said most of it better than I could.

I'll just add that once you figure out who you are and decide you think you're worth living with,

work out what it is you want out of your relationship and meet the girl half way.

It's an old expression that you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince/princess. It's usually true.

[BIBI]

Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost.
~Terry Brooks~

[jseal]

rzande1,

If don’t try too hard to win, you’ll find it easier to succeed.

[fzzy]

by the logic you use to hate all women, you should also hate everyone of that same skin color, everyone of the same religious beliefs, everyone ..... you fill in the blank .... what you are experiencing is more likely about fear of being hurt .... and that is probably because you are still feeling so fragile emotionally about that broken relationship .... work at finding your own strengths and then trust in them, that you are able to deal with another break-up (if that's what happens), that you are able to deal with whatever someone dishes because you are strong and able to deal with things .... then begin slowly to let others in and to trust them. best wishe!!

[nicole2309]

everyone has given you great advice, I hope you listen to them..
I just want to add that there is a guy that I know who pretty much has the same attitude towards women right now, so I'll just tell you what I tell him. You have to get to a point to where you don't feel a lot of anger toward her, you may always feel a little hurt by the situation, but you will know you are over her when she doesn't make you want to scream and kick stuff. Once you are past all of that anger, you have to try to not be bitter. Women aren't looking for a guy who hates us (or at least the mentally healthy ones of us aren't), and we aren't generally attracted to negative people. We like to be around confident men, who make us feel good about ourselves. Not all women will break your heart, there are actually a lot of really good ones out there who have been hurt by a man just as much if not more so than what you are feeling right now. But we are continually told to get over it, move on, etc. So we learn to deal and get on with our lives
It's like the old saying, you'll catch more flies with honey...

[scotzoidman]

Learn to feel the hurt without the hate, realize that pain just comes with the pleasure, live, learn & move on...

[Oldfart]

Yes, grasshopper.

[looloo]

I have to agree with Lil, with that how do you expect to find someone??
what kinda of a man are u in relationships?

You need to relax more and not worry about these small and minor things too much and just worry about having a great time with the girl that your with, at the end of the day what's he worse that can happen

[rzande1]

yea my last relationship was funny. I did everything for her and what happened? Well lets review. She never told her parents or anyone else. I drove 60 miles one way to see her when she was at her parents. I took her to the theater (live performance) and all sorts of other stuff. I called her ever day because she wanted me to. I did everything possible and what does she do? She cheats on me. I went out on a huge limb to ask her out in the first place and all it really proved to me personally was that i am just simply not supossed to be in a relationship. Hell today after 16 months I finally asked this chick out. I am still waiting for a response. that was an hour and a half ago :( I swear i suck at this.

[LixyChick]

At 22 years of age rzande1...where's that anger coming from? Life is full of ups and downs. For EVERYONE! Not just you. You've barely scratched the surface of the lessons known as life.

My best advice would be to find a better way to cope with the bad things that happen to you so you can recognize and therefore enjoy the good things. Seems to me you expect it all to be bad even before anything happens! We get what we put out there hun. It's the karma effect.

"Into every life a little rain must fall". If you realize that then maybe you'll be able to find the goodness in the falling rain...and not just feel sorry for yourself for how wet you are getting!

Maybe you should seek some professional help to try and find out what's making you so bitter at such a young age. You haven't had enough of life yet to harbor such feelings so strongly. Sounds more like a pity party to me!

Sorry so harsh a synopsis...but I don't think you need the sugar coated version.

Good luck and please take the advice of those who posted. We all mean well!

[Loulabelle]

all it really proved to me personally was that i am just simply not supossed to be in a relationship.

Yep, I agree entirely. Sounds like you're not supposed to be in a relationship yet.

You have a lot of maturing to do before you're going to be able to hold down an adult relationship on grown-up terms.

As I said before, try concentrating on your own emotional development, before you start involving your emotional shit with anyone elses...until you get your head right, you're only going to be destined for fucked up relationships with other fucked up people. The decent girls who won't treat you like shit want a guy who's not an emotional wreck...it's a self preservation thing.

[Belial]

Hey,

I've felt similar things to you before, though not quite to that extent, I don't think.

For me, it helped to acknowledge to myself that these things I was telling myself and others were not true. They were a product of hurt feelings and anxiety, not of anything supported by evidence or logic, and nor is what you are saying. I think you probably realise this, too, but you need to acknowledge that. When you feel bad about what happened, remind yourself that these thoughts that your fears have formed in your head, although real, are illogical and should play as little part as possible in the decisions you make in your daily life. It's not easy, but if you continue to behave as if what you are saying is really true, you'll be going down a path that will lead you to REAL despair. Don't want that? Good :)

In short, recognize the smell of your own bullshit and don't believe it. Call its bluff.

[Oldfart]

If you must be in a relationship because you cannot define yourself outside one, and you are not

yet ready to settle into a mature relationship, then be a dildo and not a straight-jacket.

Be there for her, just not all over her.

Maybe then you'll be able to shake off the bullshit and have a real relationship.

[rzande1]

Well thats good. I simply will quit dating for the rest of my life. :) That works for everyone. I am simply a hole in the universe to women anyway so who cares.

[rzande1]

See this is what I truely hate. I was a good boy friend to my ex for over a year. What did she do? She cheated on me repeatedly and treated me like I was some socially destroying secret. I did everything for her and all I got back was abuse. I totally took that personally like it was all my fault and that I am some sort of disease. After all that I just dont want to go through that hell again so I just get so bitter about all of this. Not to mention it was my first relationship. What also discourages me is how all my friends have amazing relationships and yet I cannot get shit.

[BIBI]

Sounds like you need to get an "attitude about yourself adjustment"

[Lion]

You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and move on. We have all been hurt at sometime in our life and it takes time to get over it.

[maddy]

if you were abused for a year (as you state) by your ex - examine that... learn from it... overcome it and stop being a victim. Get professional help if necessary. Abuse is a strong word, and I hope you aren't using it lightly.

I might be wrong, as I'm a single-ton - but I don't think the "perfect boyfriend" exists, all people have flaws and I'm certain you did/do as well. You were not perfect and never will be. Nor will any woman be perfect and you shouldn't expect her to be either.

[rzande1]

You know I was thinking. Trying to step outside of it all and think. I dont really know why I have been going on and on about it all. I mean the only way I can think of it is that i am just insecure about my appearance. I really think that is why i go through all of this. To somehow hide it all with layer and layer of complaining etc. It isnt that I am insecure about myself (except my appearance) but i just think that because of that a woman will just cut me off without getting to know me.

[Oldfart]

In the olden days, we'd just forget about chasing and sooner or later someone who did think well

of us would fall into our laps.

It's a zen thing, when you stop looking you may find what you're looking for.

[SexKittten_18]

It's a zen thing, when you stop looking you may find what you're looking for.

Worked for me =) Even if they're just a friend... you don't necessarily need to have a bf/gf to feel good about yourself and to know you're worth every other person out there. As I've said before, no one person is more important than another. You just need to step back and take a look, like everyone else has been saying. =)

And I agree with Maddy, using the word abuse can be a big no-no unless you absolutely mean it. It also depends on who you are talking to, as different people have different ideas of what it means.

Hope I didn't come across as being a big know-it-all, sorry if I did =) Feel better soon rzande =)

[Incubus255]

it's true, the biggest thing you have holding you back is yourself, of course alot of people are like that

all the excuses and complaints in the world won't help you move on, at some point you'll either crush yourself under your self pity or you'll realize that you can beat it and over come it ... really it's just the way it is in the long run

now I'm not trying to get on your case for how you act, too each there own, even I went though the same thing and thats just what I learned at the end, Control your fate or be consumed by it, no if's and's or but's, they'll be a point in your life where you'll choose, theres no way to force it to come sooner , but it will come in time