Here I am again... asking your advice..

[jennaflower]

I need some input and I know without a doubt that those here will give me what I am looking for... wisdom above all else...

As everyone here who knows me knows, I have been single for an eternity (with the exception of one relationship I have been single for almost 9 years). After so long of being single I have discovered that altho I WANT a relationship... and even NEED the right man in my life.... I am unable to do so...

Here is the scenario that brought it to my attention...

Yesterday I went to a function with the fire department.. training for an upcoming event.. afterwards many of us went to lunch together.. and next to me sat someone I had only met earlier in the day. Last nite... I went to a birthday gathering for a friend... there was all the couples in the group.. all of our kids... etc.... and a friend of many of the husbands.. a single guy (the same guy from earlier in the day)... of course the seat next to me was the only empty one (by my best friends design I believe)... and we began to talk.. a nice guy... a really nice guy actually... asked alot of questions about me... shared alot of details about himself.. walked me out... gave me a hug (and a kiss on my neck)...

Now... I got the definite impression that he wants to see me again...

The problem is.... I am chicken... flat out... absolutely chicken (suddenly as I type this Skip comes to my mind).... after being alone sooo long... it is very hard to consider allowing someone to get to know me on that level... to let that wall down... to allow myself to be vulnerable.

Okay... to get something straight.. this guy I met yesterday is very nice... very nice... very positive... very family oriented.. but I am certainly not looking at this as a life time partner possibility... I can't even consider anything more than a friend.... if that... because by having that.. or anything more... I have to open myself up....

Geez... life is soooo damn complicated. So my question... how do you force yourself to take the chance.. to open yourself up to another person...

[TinTennessee]

Jenna, this is a very good question and I wish I could help, but I'm afraid I have a hard time myself trusting someone enough to open up. Good luck sweetie {{{{hugs}}}}}

[maddy]

I'm gonna sit here and wait with you Jenna on the answer to this one, as I have precisely the same problem... it's a mind game, if I don't open myself up to someone ... anyone, they can't hurt me, right?!?! And therefore alone I am taking no risks and experiencing no rewards or losses, but not overly thrilled to be alone either.

[jennaflower]

Thank you TinTennessee & maddy.... I am glad to know that I am not the only one fighting with this question...

No matter how much I say I want to find the right man to spend time with... I am cripled by fear to do so...

[BigBear57]

Darlin' I hope I can help you a little as I seem to have the opposite problem. I can't seem to NOT let the damn wall down lately. First Stop, right here and now. Don't take anything further than it's gone. If he asks you out say yes and only see it as a date for today with a friend. If shit moves too fast, say whoa, boy.... take it slow. Take things one day at a time and don't worry about where it's going or where it might lead. If the walls are supposed to come down.... no sumbich can keep 'em up. Just LET things happen and don't freeze them out. If he ain't nice, report his address to us Pixie boys and we'll dispense of him. ;-)

[jennaflower]

(((BigBear57)))

You should know by now how much your advice means to me.... and you know me well enough to know that I am one of those that have a difficult time with the approach and the anticipation... no happy medium for me...

[BigBear57]

(((((((((Jenna))))))))) Hon I wish Ya the very best, I hope you knew that already. Just put one foot ahead of the other and let it happen. I'm in a shituation now that's almost similar.... I'm waitin' but nothin's happenin' and I don't have a clue in hell what to do but wait and other prospects are suddlenly showin' up. Just when I thought I knew where I was supposed to be.... somebody changed where I am. Ain't that the shits?

[Lilith]

I wish I had some good advice... (((jenna))) everything in life involves risk just various level of it

[cherrypie7788]

(((Jenna)))

You just have to take a deep breath, swallow your fear, and go on with things hon. I know that sounds so much easier than it is.

Your past relationship may be been bad, or ended badly, but that doesn't mean this one will be the same. If you don't try, you'll never have anything at all. Best of luck to you.

[jennaflower]

Thank you Lilith.. and cherrypie :)

Yes.. everything in life takes risks... even the things we do everyday... but those things are done so often that the risk is often forgotten or disregarded...

If over the last 10 years I made a habit of moving from one relationship to another.. this wouldn't be a problem... but the truth is that (even on the friendship level) I am very select on who I allow close to me... (even here)... the group of friends I have.. is large... but tight and it isn't often that new people get close to me... takes lots of time for me......

just the quirky person I am...

[PantyFanatic]

It seems you are trying to make a per-programmed robot to put a jig saw puzzle together before you have dumped the pieces on the table. Maybe try just taking the pieces as they come. You’re only putting the edge pieces together now. Go ahead and turn all the colored-side up as you find them.

I think it would be way too hard to grab a random piece and start on a hunt to find where it exactly fits. You only take the parts with one straight edge and start slow. You’ll know when you find a corner piece with two straight edges. After you’ve worked your way around with all the straight pieces, you’ll know the size of the frame.

Your puzzle came in a plain brown wrapper. Don’t decide what the picture is yet. ;)

[BIBI]

Baby steps Jenna....one day at a time.

Be honest with him and yourself about how you feel if you start to see him. If the lines of communication are open and honest you will know whether to venture forth or not. Sometimes facing the possibility of what we have been wanting is scary and we turn our back in haste with fear of being hurt. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and see what happens....with guarded optimism. Good Luck Jenna. :)

[fzzy]

I can't say that I'm a whole lot better at this then you Jenna ... but I did realize something several years ago that helps me to open up to people much more then what I used to do .... Do you really think that you aren't being hurt by not opening up ... are you getting the love that you want? You are still hurt, just not allowing others to see it ... you may be maintaining some sense of pride, but that doesn't mean you don't still cry (inside or outside) at being alone ... at least that's how it's been for me. People hurt us ... it happens all the time ... but not having people hurts us too! Hope you find a way to move forward toward more joy and less pain!!!! (((((Jennaflower)))))

[jennaflower]

PF... your puzzle analogy is rather fitting... :) Thank you wise one.... I am going to try my best to take my time... and not rush to see the picture.. or guess what it is...

BIBI... one day at a time... a concept that I have never been able to master... but I will try....

Hugs.. and thank you both...

[jennaflower]

fzzy... you are right... I hurt myself by keeping the distance... probably doing more damage in the long run to myself than any pain another individual could ever do to me.... but knowing it with my head... and knowing it in my heart... are two different things...

thank you for pointing it out to me...

Even if he were to be nothing more than a friend... that I know is worth the risk...

[denny]

Find the courage inside. Even if it fails, you are better off for having tried.

[Booger]

Jenna take it slowy knock those brick out of the wall one at a time. I know when a wall has been up for a long time this may be a hard thing to do. But in the end it will be for the best. The wall may keep other out and keep them from hurting you but it also keeps you from learning and seeing the goodness in people. As you tear down the wall try repalceing it with a fence insted. Still enough to keep peopl out that you don't want to let but lets you see them better before you let them in.

[looking4fun]

Well I am new to Pixies but I have been in your shoes before. I have been hurt many times before and there have been times that it has taken me a lot time to open up to some one else. What worked for me is the fact that i took it slow and told the person that i am with that i have been hurt many times before and i would like to take it at a pace that is comfortable to me. you have to keep the lines of communications open for this to work and if the guy is nice he will understand and respect you wishes. If not then the guy does not deserve you affection and is some you that you need to drop him

[osuche]

You need to find a desire inside of your heart to do this. Letting someone in -- and having a relationship -- is a lot of hard work. Every day -- every hour -- is a choice to "let him in" vs. leaving him out of your heart and thoughts.

You have to be ready for the challenge. For some people, lonliness is a motivator. For others, it's a hope of the future. For me, I've always been motivated by the determination that I am *not* going to allow myself to continue to be a victim of my past. Each day is a new choice, and a new opportunity.

I recommend you take it slow, and discover whether this man is worthy of your efforts and attention. If the answer is yes, you have to find the desire/strength inside to make it "real."

Jenna....You're a strong, bright, beautiful lady who is deserving of finding someone to love. All ya have to do is want him bad enough.....if you do, I know you will have the courage to make it happen.

((((Jenna))))

[boilergirl1]

Hi jenna, boy do i know this one too well, my issues with trust and communication have always tried to keep me down an hold me back the capper on the whole thing being my inccessant overthinking of , well, just about everything. As a consequence i have few friends whom i would call close and the ones that i do have had to pry away at my armour to get to the real me (my point of view, not theirs).
Also I very seriously suspect that my inability to trust and/or communicate have been significant contributers to the breakdown of past relationships.
though not the main reason for their failure it certainly had an impact.

Having said all that I wish to convey to you that there is most definately hope out there just waiting for you to embrace it. Amongst the sea of people there is a person whom will be patient and conscientious and attentive and inspiring and you wont even realize it til later but that person will some how have gained entry to the real and hidden you. To have the faith that this is true is in you and you probably already know that so set it free and see what happens just one moment at a time is all it takes and from the encounter(s)
that you've described you may well be there or on your way to each of these moments already. It's kind of like taking the time to do more than just watch a sun set but to really feel it's beauty as it washes over you.
good journey and accept the gifts that are given, one moment at a time. schelagh :x:
p.s.~ this has always helped me to trust a bit more hope it works for you too!

[fzzy]

Hey Jenna (I'm back) :) don't want it thought that I've overcome all of these issues either -- I still struggle with them, so handing out advice is tricky ... feel free to fling it back at me anytime if I start sounding out of control :D .... Dr. Phil says that if you can only realize that you are strong enough to handle it if the worst thing happens, then you can start to trust others, because you trust yourself .... I think it's a good thought, once I know I'm capable of getting through the mess (if a mess happens), then it makes it at least a little easier to move forward.

Another possibility, if you have people that you are open with and already have trust with, maybe do some exercises/games .... get one of those games where you ask and/or answer questions about what you believe, think, etc (or a book that has a bunch of questions like that) and spend time asking and answering those with your friends ... it's great to get to know them and yourself better and it may make it a bit easier when you are with new people to be able to be a bit more open. Just a thought!

[LixyChick]

Jumped over here to the Advice Forum for a quick read before I have to bolt to work...and I just didn't want to peruse and go without letting you know, jenna, that my advice is usually long winded (but heartfelt), and I've read all of the responses from the most loving, caring, smart and funny Pixies...and all I keep coming back to in my head is...

"It IS better to have loved and lost...than to have never loved at all"! What I absorb from that statement is that if you don't take a chance once in a while, you'll never know what you might have missed...and it doesn't necessarily have to be love, but could even be a terrific friendship that you might miss out on for not going for it!

I tell ya hun...I'll be thinking of this thread all day cause I care about you jenna and I wish you all the best life has to give!

[flywater]

Thought that I would add my $.02. Nietche (sp?) said "that which dies not kill us, makes us stronger". Sounds like a death wish, no. You must realize that any chance you take does not adversley affect you. I know, this sounds screwy, but, if you really think about it, everything you do, wether the result is good or bad, is a positive effect. But, that being said, YOU are the one who must find the inner courage and strength to make the choiv=ce and follow through with it. If you do nothing, you have still made a choice by default and it is usually the wrong one. It takes inner courage, strength and self-confidence to allow yourself to open up to someone, and I know from our conversations that you possess all of those in great quantities. YOU must make the decision to do or not, but, at some point, you will figure out that the possible gains outweigh the risks. Sorry to get so long winded, and as I said, this is just my humble opinion. :x:

[huntersgirl]

(((jenna))) I have found that telling myself that I am bad ass and also saying to myself "fuck-it, take a chance" usually is enough to give me the motivation to take risks. I know it is all a ruse and that underneath that voice in my head is a vulnerable person (as we all are) but, I have still managed to lie to myself long enough that my guy melted away my walls and eventually I was sucked in so far that I couldn't have put them back even if I wanted to. I can't say that it wasn't terrifying and that I didn't have classic moments of self doubt. You can ask him. Things would be going along just fine and that nag underneath the bad ass voice would say, "What the hell are you doing??? You stupid woman, you are going to get hurt!!!!" So I would in turn try to pull back a little, not really having the strength or will to do it. Thankfully he was persistent and understanding. The right one will be, the wrong one hopefully won't get that far anyway! Good luck hun, I will be thinking of you.

[GingerV]

(((Jenna)))!! I'm sure you've noticed there are many many more of us once and future relationship-phobes than it seems like. Sometimes I just wonder how anybody manages to hook up in this complicated world. I have to add my name to the list, and agree with all those above. My wounded teenage self was convinced that pleasure was simply the absense of pain....and that if I worked damned hard to avoid pain, I could get the best I might expect out of life. That was way too simple, but it wasn't until I found a good person to share myself with that I learned that alone might be safe, but it was a long long way from what I deserved.

I think I hear something familiar in your initial post, though. It's the self-defeating cry of the intelligent woman. You're smart, girl. You can build a damned clever argument for why you "can't" have a relationship. You can talk very convincingly about that "wall" and how you can't scale it any more, so it's better to just accept your life and get on with it. And if you're like me, the more you sit alone in your home/tub/car and repeat the argument to yourself...the better it sounds, the more convincing, and the more impossible the task ahead of you if you want to tear down the wall. The best tip I've got for you is that that argument, all by itself, IS the wall. That rationalized self-doubt is what's keeping you from trying for something better. Stop it. Stop saying it. Admit that it's more fear than "real reasons I can't succeed." Stop deceiving yourself that the wall is insurmountable, and reach out.

Truthfully, the worst that can happen isn't as bad as we lead ourselves to believe...and the best is better than we can imagine.

We're all rooting for you, Hon. Take it slow, go in baby steps...this isn't necessarily your future mate...he's just a guy. Don't do or say more than you're comfortable with...but don't quit before you try. We know you can do it.

G

[jennaflower]

denny... courage has never been my strong suit.. when I am uncomfortable (good or bad) I tend to emotionally remove myself... but I am hoping to get past that.

Booger.. you know me well enough to know... on a personal level... that I don't take things slow... that one brick at a time hasn't been my style... I tend to knock down the whole wall in one sudden move.. then freak out and rebuild... faster.. taller.. stronger... :(

osuche... I think you touched on something very important that I have been struggling with... the "want it bad enough" thing... wanting it... feeling I am worth it... and finding the courage to take the risk... one big ball of twine for me.. and that is where part of my confusion is..

boilergirl1... Thank you.. Thank you.. the verse that you posted is one I had never heard and it hit home.. I will be printing it out and posting it where I will see it often...

fzzy... what a great idea... I will keep my eyes open for such a book... I think it will be a good tool to get me to become comfortable about opening myself up.

Lixy... you are right... by allowing myself to be crippled by fear... I am certain that I am missing out on wonderful experiences... and someday... if I don't move forward I will look back with a whole lot of regrets... (and you know how well I handle regret).

flywater... thank you... I didn't look at my absence of taking the chance as being a choice in itself.. thank you for pointing me in that direction... gives me more to ponder...

huntersgirl... your post made me giggle.. for I have often told myself the same things... but in my case... those statements are usually made in a context of "ah, you are a tough broad, you can go this alone"... I need to start refocusing that voice.. as you have... thank you.

ginger... thank you... I believe that you are right.. my excuses are the wall... and I need to remove it... and stop rebuilding it time and again...


Thank you all for your wisdom.. and kindness... you are all such wonderful people and have provided me with much food for thought... Hugs to each of you.... you have touched my heart...

[Coaster]

Hi (((sweetie))) ........ why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? There is no rush... if it was meant to be and he likes you, he'll stick around. You can't DO or SAY anything to make him stay........ he obviously likes you for YOU! Enjoy it.... relish it..... return it....

Don't be afraid to share pieces of yourself Jenna.....in the end it will make you a stronger and more confident individual........ and it may just gain you a partner. I find nothing more attractive than a confident, sensitive woman that shares her inner self. I wish I could help you more! Good luck (((((((((jenna))))))))) :x:

[fzzy]

Jenna ... I had to check my personal library ... there are a couple of books by a guy who did this as a PhD thesis ... the original one is The Book of Questions (by Gregory Stock, PhD .. and then there's at least one more ... called The book of Questions - Love & Sex (same author) ... you can get them in paperback for about $5 or $6 bucks each and they have a couple of hundred questions .... I've used them in a small group for a game or for an icebreaker activity. Many are simple and some are deeply thought provoking, but mainly they are ones that you answer by your own feelings and beliefs, no obvious right or wrong answers. OK ... I'm gonna be quiet now ... probably said too much already, but thought I'd give you a book name to look for.

[jennaflower]

thank you sooooo much fzzy... I will try to find those. :) And... please... don't be quiet... :) Your advice means alot to me...

Hugs..

[maddy]

I have the Book of Questions, or one similar ... I'll search my bookcase tonight. It's small but very thick and the questions are all fairly mind provoking. We used these when I was in college as a method to help us understand who we were and what we believe.

[scotzoidman]

No personal experience to draw on myself, but I can only echo the others that suggest you let this happen one baby step at a time...don't think about what the future may bring (good or bad)...if it's meant to happen for the two of you to be together, let it happen...if at some point you find that you don't click, enjoy the good times while they last & mark yourself down as being wiser & more enriched for the experience...you know what they say, "Life's a journey, not a destination"...

[imalikalotapuss]

HI Jen!! Well as you know that i have been betrayed, lied to and down right crapped on..ok that said. I have found someone new..I too wondered if i could ever trust anyone ever again. I like you tend to skate around the personal things. But, you know what, it was easier than i thought to let someone get that close to me. One day at a time things started getting easier to talk about, i was really scared too. I understand your fears, but please, dont let fear rule your life. I hope that things work out for you, I think that you have gotten some really good advice here, as i too have. Hugs...and I will be keeping you in my thoughts!!! :)

[Playful1]

Everyone so far has said the very popular "One step in front of the the other" bit, But for me it's never about walking toward a goal. It's about mulling around without a destination. I find that whn I think about something as a relationship, consider "is she the one?" or even look at it as anything more then what it is right now I get all choked up.

When I first met DangerousPet I had recently come off of a Very painful break up,I had no interest in women at all and the last thing I wanted was for my comfort wall to come down. We started to hang out as freinds, the we were friends who gave hugs, then held hands, then freinds who went to dinner together, then friends who slept together....

For Christmas this year we both got best friend charms and the two of us live by the motto "True Happiness is going to bed each night with your best friend".

Don't look at this as a relationship. This is two adults, going out for sme fun, friends getting to know each other better. You wouldn't get all worked up if this was another girl, so why get worked up just cause they have a Y chromosome?

[katekate42]

My similar problem was that I was painfully awkwardly shy... Far too much so to ever think about making the first move. The best advice I've ever gotten came from my mother, who said "Fake it until it's real." So I started pretending to be confident, and sooner or later I managed to break out of the shell a little. While I know that doesn't help so much in your situation, just realize that opening up isn't about taking leaps- just about realizing the process is happening and letting it happen little by little.
I have a hunch that if you get to know this guy a little bit better you might see a vulnerability in him as well, which should make it a tiny bit easier to trust him. My advice is to use a few tricks to see him again-- just somehow end up in his path-- and give him the right body language (square your shoulders to him, make eye contact, and above all, SMILE). After all, it sounds like you are interested in getting to know this guy, and that should drive him to taking the first step towards asking you out for some one-on-one time. When he does, relax, and don't think any further than friendship. Sooner or later, you will both become more comfortable in that role, and if it seems like something that should go further it will come in time.

[DangerousPet]

When I first met DangerousPet I had recently come off of a Very painful break up,I had no interest in women at all and the last thing I wanted was for my comfort wall to come down. We started to hang out as freinds, the we were friends who gave hugs, then held hands, then freinds who went to dinner together, then friends who slept together....
Ha so true!

(((Jenna))) when i met Playful1 he wanted NOTHING to do with me. he even admits to pushing me away. however i didnt go anywhere... damn stuberness in me... lol

honestly hun, opening the lines of communication from the start is the best advice i can give you. Play and i both went into our relatonship, as friends, with the 'honesty' policy. Ive been more honest with him than any of my past relationships. and i believe that's why it's lasted so long.

Playful told me that he wasnt sure he wanted to be a couple. he was honest and forthright with me and i appreciated it and respected him for it. he told me of his past relationships and of him being hurt and how he wasn't sure he could go through that again. my response was, well why do you think i'd hurt you? there are no gurantees. this may work, this may not work but you gotta take it one step at a time. Baby-Steps. appreciate each moment with a friend and maybe things will move from their, on their own without you realizing it, it will become natural.


*go get 'em tiger* :)
"True Happiness is going to bed each night with your best friend"
and let us know how your'e doin!

[Steph]

I think you've been given some wonderful advice. I can speak from experience because for the past month, a crazy, troubled, wounded, intelligent man has exploded into my life.

He's hurt me (more to do with his problems than with me but still . . .) but I realized it's the first time I've permitted my heart to be completely vulnerable since my cousin committed suicide in 1998.

I cry sometimes but the good times are more than worth it.

You can be lonely and regret not making a move or you can perhaps experience some wonderful emotions (*cough* & orgasms *cough*).

[calihotguy]

Jenna.....

the best thing you can do is live in the present...the problem lies that for you a date has more meaning than just a date, in your mind, a date means a possible future and vulnerability.

What if the date was just a date? No expectation, live in the moment, enjoy yourself in the moment, but just go on it.

If you enjoy yourself, go on the second one, no expectation, keep the wall up if you will, but just go.

Keep doing that, just going.....don't change anything else and eventually, after enough time and trust is established, that wall will fall down

It all depends on staying in the moment, not thinking about the future or even telling yourself you are only going out as friends each time you go. True feelings come out through time if it is right, no matter how much you resist. Accept that you will resist, accept the wall is there, don't fight the wall, but keep "going." Think of it as untraining yourself by forcing yourself to be exposed (or desensitizing yourself) to your fears.

Its all about how you approach the moment, you can approach it for the moment it is or you can weigh it down with stuff it doesn't even possibly represent yet. Approach it like a task and for the moment it is. Don't worry about the possibilities of tommorrow, just worry about today. If you begin to worry about the future, bring yourself into where you are at that moment and aside from your future fears, how that moment is in its reality.

hope that is clear enough.

[jennaflower]

Thanks for your advice all... sorry I haven't been around much to respond... but believe me all of your advice means the world to me... each of you offer so much wisdom.. I wish we could bottle it... or at the very least maybe publish a book for the whole world to read :)

Anyway... I did give it a shot... I invited him along for a movie... remained as open minded as I could... hoped that at the very least there would be a spark of possibility... altho it was very obvious to me (and others) that he was very interested... I just didn't have that vibe for him... he is a very nice guy... but not my type at all.

[fzzy]

And the nice thing is .... you don't have to spend the next 20 years wondering if you had made the effort, would he have been the one. Good for you Jenna!!!

[krzykrn]

Ahh damn, I was hoping such good things for you! But at least you got the courage to see for yourself and like Fzzy said, now you won't be in the dark wondering. Glad you took some advice that you gave me :D Just remember, with each small step you take forward, you become stronger and stronger, no more looking behind you my dear, it is only good things for you from here on out.

[boilergirl1]

well poop i'm sad that there was nothing there for you but extremely proud of you for going for it that was the first step (of many more) and the next fella better just look out cause now you got some confidence going . good luck sweet lady :x:

[BigBear57]

Hell Hon, you're gettin' better alright. You took a chance and now you're bein' picky LOL... keep that pretty chin up. He's lookin' for Ya I'm sure. Glad you made the first steps .... Hugs

[kathy1]

Jenna, I'm gonna throw my own two cents in the pot more for the men you meet in the future than this fella......don't let what's in the past pollute the future....don't let what some jerk did, taint all the good that may come your way......don't make assumptions and react out of old and bad habits....you're a wonderful woman, jenna and any man would be lucky to have you in his life....don't ever forget that.

[Fireguy1222]

I have to agree with BigBear. Take it slow. Don't worry so much about the walls, they will take care of themselves. Just look at it as having a good time. As long as he treats you right, the walls will develope windows. Good luck.
J

[Travelinguy]

Jennaflower, I offer a bit of different advice. We all know the reason we want to find somebody..to spend our life with..to enjoy the good thing together and lean on eachother during that bad. Fear of never finding this haunts us all from time to time. So instead of swalling this fear use it to move yourself forward. Let the fear of not having someone push you into taking that chance. I'm really bad so say..I'll call her tomorrow or whatever..I'm a serious procrastinator at initial relationships and that fear is what seems to motivate me.