current sex = boring

[burnout]

Hi guys,

New to this group ( or anything like this ). Have a predicament. I am a 30 something male and have been married to my wife for 10 years now. We adopted a baby boy who is now 2. Now I know this may be a common thing with new parents in all but my sex life is in the toilet. Frequency has gone down tremendously..too embarrased to be more specific then that. When we do have sex...its kind of half hearted. It seems I do all the work. Basically, I give her oral until she cums and then we have intercourse, usually missionary position and usually in our bedroom...........boring.

I am willing to do anything to please her sexually but she needs to return the favor. We talk about trying something new but that all it ever is...just talk. We watch porn on occasion, she dresses up, etc. but I want a little more spice ie. anal, role play, hell even doggie style once in awhile would be an improvement. I never get oral unless she knows she will be getting right back. It would be great if she would whip out my penis while i was driving my car and just sucked a load out of me ( swallowing, another thing she doesn't do).

I consider myself a good looking guy( I have been told I look like Kurt Russell) and my wife is a beatiful redhead with a good body. We should be shagging like rabbits. Maybe she is not interested in me anymore. Maybe she is cheating on me. I still love my wife but this problem is keeping us apart. Anyway, sorry to dampen the mood. Any suggestions or similar experiences would help. thanks ahead of time.

[jennaflower]

burnout.. .

Give yourself and your wife a little slack... be patient... and most importantly communicate! I can only imagine that your wife is going thru what every new mom experiences.. and MORE... what I mean by that is that she didn't have the 9 month prep period that most mothers experience.. during which... lots of "what if's" are rationalized... in her case.. with adoption.. she is dealing with all of that now... not to mention so many other issues that I can't imagine.

Please pardon me for saying this... BUT... I only noticed the word "love" written once in your statment... that to me is a red flag....

I am in no way excusing your wife for withholding sex... nor am I condoning her oral sex practices (or lack there of)... but I think that the key to this is communication.... and more than anything expressing your love for her in ways other than sexual..

Good luck..

[burnout]

Jenna,

Thanks for your input. I agree with you 100%. In fact, I have tried to talk to her and have open communication about each other's expectations (not just sexual). We have actually agreed to a few things but the plans are never executed. It seems she just tells me what I want to hear so I will forget about it. Maybe because she is the bread winner ( I am stay at home dad) she thinks she is the one to be serviced sexually and emotionally. I will keep trying to be responsive to her but it has to go both ways. No?

[GingerV]

I don't know if my experience is ANYTHING like what you and your wife are in the middle of, burnout.....but I thought I'd offer it up. It might help at least to know that someone else has been there, and got through to the other side.

Communication has to be more than a laundry list of "I wants" and "I needs." It's about how you're both feeling, where you're both at, how your lives are impacting on your desires. It's not just making plans, it's about why those plans don't materialize. AND it's about reassuring the other partner that it's ok if they don't. Because, at least in my case, worrying about not being "on" for the plans was self-defeating.

When I was going through an incredibly stressful period with work and life changes, it was all I could do to get through the day. I had no energy left for sex, and no interest in it. It went on for months. My darling boy got frustrated, and let me know in no uncertain terms that he loved me, he'd never leave me, and he wanted to help me sort out my problem....because he missed our active sex life.

Of all that, the only part my stressed out mind heard was "he wasn't getting what he wanted from sex." Which I translated quickly into "on top of everything else that's wrong with my life, I was a failure in bed." It was a complete misinterpretation, but I was seriously in a bad head place. Anyway, nothing turns a person off faster than the belief that you're doing it wrong...and pretty soon, every little pass was seen as a judgemental demand. Note again, the guy had done nothing wrong....this is just what was going on in my head.

Long after the life stress went away, I still was having these "pressure to perform/failure" reactions. I wanted sex again, but kept shutting down at wierd times. Like, halfway through a blow job...or while he was going down on me. Wierd stuff. It took me ages to explain that I wasn't rejecting him...I was feeling (ironically) rejected and insufficient. Irational, but true. And then loads of time with him accepting graciously what I could do and reassuring me it was good. More would be welcomed, but he was happy as it was.

Long story short (I know, too late)....stress makes some people crazy. Sometimes that crazy turns up in the bedroom, specifically because sex touches us so deeply. It took us 6 months (well 9, if you include the initial stress that started the ball rolling) to get through it. But we did, and we're back to our old form. Nobody had done anything wrong, I couldn't (literally COULDN'T) have helped my reaction. But we had to do a lot of things right and love each other a hell of a lot to get us back on the right track. Most importantly, he made an effort to let me know how good the good parts were. Building my confidence back.

Anyway....like I said, don't know if it's any help. But it's what I have to offer. I'm around if you want to chat (or, good heavens, you introduce her to Pixie's and she wants to chat ;) ). Hope you guys find your road back.

[having_fun]

Burnout,

Now I'll give you my take on the matter. I've been married for 24 years now. When our children were born many years ago, I went through a similar situation. She was totally focused on the children, our sex lives went to shit, all that seemed to matter was being the MOM.. I handled it this way.

I sit her down and told her, without mixing words or trying to be polite, "These kids are going to grow up, wave goodby to you and go on to live their own lives. You my dear will be stuck with me for the rest of your life. Therefore, we together have to be priority one in this house because if we don't we won't be. Second, I realize that you have a long and busy day, and so do I. But, we have to "Make" time for us, and if we don't, again we won't be. If you can't make both of these things happen, we need to decide where we actually want this relationship to end up.

Needless to say, things changed in a drastic way. We couldn't have remained a family if "we" didn't take care of each other first.

Like I said, we've been together 24 years. Both kids are off on their own, and she is stuck with me,,, ha ha.....

[Cobalt]

I need to remember that, might have to use it, or similar!

[jennaflower]

having_fun.... you are a BRIGHT intelligent man... I hope that you pass on that lesson to your children... they will be wise to hold such a philosophy. :)

[AZRedHot]

It's been alluded to that Mrs. Burnout might be stressed out, but I have to ask, how much are you helping with your child? As my girlfriends begin to have children, and shoulder much of the traditional caretaking duties in addition to working full-time, having one more person say "I need" may just be too much. In our busy lives (without children), sometimes it's hard for my husband and I to find that energy, that connection. I can't imagine what having to care for a small helpless persond does to that dynamic.

That is not to say that the marriage doesn't need TLC, that it shouldn't be a priority, and that you can't expect your partner to help meet your needs. But have you looked at how you can help her OUTSIDE of the bedroom so that she feels comfortable, relaxed, and not running on empty so that she has something to give to you, sexually or otherwise?

It may not be the reason for your difficulties, but it couldn't hurt to rule it out. I know I withdraw when I'm feeling emotionally and physically depleted. You can't give what you don't have. And both of you lose.

[burnout]

Thanks guys and gals for all your input. What all of you are saying makes sense to me. I have tried and will continue to keep the lines of communication open. I am the stay at home parent so I do most of the domestic activities. Most of her stress is from work which I don't have any control over. I will continue to be patient and understanding.

In the meantime, I thought of an idea. Now, I am not always focused on sex as far as relationships go, but this is really the only area that is troubling the marriage right now. Anyway, I thought of making a care package. Kind of like what you get in college from your parents. The one I am thinking of though is not anything your parents (at least mine) would send. I bought some sex "self-improvement" books for both of us to read. They may have some naughty ideas that will peak our interest. In addition I was going to bundle them with some roses, perfume, and a sex toy or two. So, my questions for the ladies:

1. What is a dependable web site where I can purchase some toys namely a good vibrator for my wife ( her old one broke)?

2. What kind of vibrator (make and model?) would you recommend to be durable and do the job?

3. Do you have any other suggestions I should add to this "care" package?

Thanks again for your help. Hope to hear from you.

[AZRedHot]

What a great and thoughtful idea, Burnout! I'd throw in some bubble bath (if she likes that) or some good smelling lotion, maybe some candles, and you cannot go wrong with a love letter. My husband wrote one to me telling me how sexy and wonderful he thought he was, and I still have it. I take it out to read now and again. To know how he sees you, in his own words, means a lot.

[skyler_m]

Speaking from experience, get some massage oils and give her a full body massage... That works wonders. Send the kids to the grandparents for the night if you can or just wait until they are asleep.

Good luck!

[WildIrish]

I've always felt that sex is a barometer. Lack of sexual desire doesn't indicate a problem with sex, it's a problem with the relationship. You love her, and unless there's a really bad problem, she loves you too. Odds are, you already know what is bugging her right? Hasn't she said it all along? I know my wife does, and I don't listen until I am forced to. Then I say to myself "gees, so this is what she meant...DUH!" Anyway, fix the problem! Don't look for ways to make her horny, look for ways to let her know you care about her. Draw her a bath, pour her a drink at the end of a long day. Not with the intent of pouncing her when you crawl between the sheets, but because you know she's tired and stressed and you care about relaxing her.

Treat your love and relationship like Kevin Costner's ballpark! If you build it, she will cum!

[AZRedHot]

You are very wise, Obi-Wild Irish. He's right, Burnout. And WI, thanks for being man enough to share your "not listening until I have to" confession.

[Steph]

Obi-Wild! I love it!

You guys need a weekend to yourselves, I think. It'll re-ignite things.

When someone is bored, the onus is on them to liven up things, methinks.